Note: I am going to talk a lot about penises in this series of articles, but the article isn’t really about penises. Like all body confidence issues it is about the poor body messages our society has given us since birth. These articles are about communicating the unpleasant and vulnerable feelings from a body insicurity, especially in the context of the cuckolding kink and during high anxiety times.
An Emotional Wobble
I’ve recently had something of an “emotional wobble” in relation to my body image confidence, and thus my personal sense of sexual desirability, something core to my sexuality. I call it a “wobble” because prior to this I had reached a really good place in regards to my body confidence, my personal sense of value, and sexual desirability. While I do believe this feeling is temporary one, while I was in it I wanted to be curious about the feelings rather than trying to push them aside and minimize them. In my experience you have to learn to listen to your feelings and deal with them as soon as you can, otherwise they will eventually come out in unhealthy ways. So, here I am observing myself with as much vulnerability and kindness as I can. I am also writing this because I also wanted to share this process with you all, recording my thoughts and feelings, because I have learned so much from others sharing their emotional experiences while exploring consensual non-monogamy (CNM) and I wanted to contribute to that space in my own way.
Following Jack Down The Rabbit Hole
During a recent national COVID lock-down I started getting back into reading blogs about cuckolding. Prior to this I had been very happily enjoying cuckold, hotwife, chastity, and sissy porn as well as consuming cuckolding related podcasts regularly but I was appriciating the difference and destraction of some newly found personal-blogs of couples in the cuckolding lifestyle. I really enjoy the fact that personal sexual lifestyle blogs have strong emotional aspects to them and I have enjoyed this ever since I first came across such blogs back in the height of the Blogspot days. I think emotional aspects are what gives the cuckold lifestyle depth and substance, of which you may only get the smallest sliver from even in amateur made cuckold-couple porn. So, discovering these types of blogs again was really engaging, especially the first one I started reading by Jack & Bunni. I got to experiencing all the emotional ups-and-downs of the cuckold play and lifestyle through them both. In Jack’s accounts I found a mirror of all the complex feelings that I enjoy about the cuckolding lifestyle myself. My wife also noted how engaged I was in reading Jack & Bunni’s blog. She could tell so by my occasional racing or bracing breaths while I was reading it!
Early on in starting Jack & Bunni’s blog I went looking up their Twitter profiles (see: pictures) and the first thing I noted from my initial Twitter snooping was how hot Bunni was physically, and as a cuckoldress. Totally my type, unsurprisingly considering she has a very-very similar in body to my hot wife. I also noticed, from the one picture I found of Jack that he looked to have a similar body type to me. A nice coincidence that made it quite easy in my mind to transpose their experiences to being me and my wife. I also noted that one of Bunni’s lovers, Baxter, was TOTALLY my wife’s type. My wife has a strong preference for brown and black men and Bax is black, and ripped, and hung. Now neither my wife or I are sure if she could take the cock that Bunni has, what Bax is dishing out, but she sure found it awe inspiring and alluring! All those those coincidences made reading Jack’s fantastic writing even more impactful to me. I read the whole blog ravenously but also slowly, as I would go back over paragraphs and sentences a few times, to really try to feel and understand both of Jack and Bunni’s feelings at each moment. Jack is so giving in his writing, so vulnerable, it made it easy, delicious, and intense read. I found it very difficult to stop reading it, even when I was supposed to be working! As I was reading and re-reading sections I was not only fully dialed in with my empathy for them both (especially Jack; my imagined role) but I was also, as I said, transposing me and my wife into those very situations. I was having the feelings of Jack and Bunni and with them! I think for these reasons the Spark, Fire, and Embers trilogy unexpectedly kicked me a bit off balance. The whole blog leading up to Spark had the anticipation, Fire had the intensity, and Embers had the sexual jealousy. The sexual jealousy part got suck in my head this time around, didn’t easily letting go, and it left a strong aftertaste of bad body image and feelings of unworthiness within me.
Jack did recount in the Embers how he asked his wife how she could still be into his physical body even after she realized she physically needed more than he could give. And I felt the same of my own body at that point as well, deeply. The feeling was striking against some old foundations. Bunni left Jack with some kind words that did sooth him by all accounts, but I think for me something got lost in the writing. This is by no means a slight to Jack’s writing, as I said he is a wonderful writer, and it is not a slight to Bunni’s words, they seem like they did the trick for the person they were intended for, Jack. What I do mean is that when we read other people’s accounts our minds inevitably have to fill in some gaps. My mind managed to fill in the gaps fine up until this point, but here it unfortunately filled in a gap with an insecurity of mine learned over a lifetime. And my mind would not bridge that gap to Bunni’s words, likely because the writing could not include the whole history of experience and context Jack and Bunni share as a couple. So my mind got stuck on, “Why would any woman want or be satisfied with my body when you compare it to someone like Bax?” That huge cock, I will never have myself. Mine inferior by all hotwife accounts I have heard so far.
After reading Jack & Bunni’s blog I went on to read all of Scarlett’s Cuckoldress’s blog and had those negative feelings reinforced, not by aim of Scarlett but my own state of mind. Poor feelings on behalf what she said of her husband’s penis size, reinforcing the negative feelings I was already having about my own. The message I was getting was that cuckolds are not physically desirable. My body that looks like their husbands’ bodies and that was not physically desirable, and never would be, not in that way, not in the way they like nor the I would like. That is a hard feeling to recover from and I must say one I found surprising. After all, I felt I had won my body confidence fight years ago and it was well in the past. The cuckoldresses that I thought of as hot in all their wonderful sexuality would not be attracted to me and my body, I could never be a bull even if I wanted to, my body just didn’t cut it. Not that being a bull was a path me and my wife ever considered mind you, but everyone likes to feel sexually desired I think, and the clear message I was getting was I was not. Feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness persisted. I told my wife about my insicurity and being the absolutely wonderful person she is reassured me when I needed it and it helped, but I think like many of us know, when you take in ideas of what desirable bodies are and you are not that, it can be a very difficult feeling to shake.
It is in the realm of possibility that I could get a similar physique to that of Baxterlongwood if I worked out a few more times a week and minded my diet. It would be hard work, no discounting the work Baxter has put in, but it could be a possiblity for me to get there. I think for that reason I didn’t find lust after his ripped body as threatening to my ego, not in the same way as his (or any well endowed bull’s) cock. I can admire his physique, see why my wife admires it, and make a choice about if I wanted to invest more time into developing a similar-looking body. When it comes to his and my dick though, there is absolutely no choice. No matter what I do my dick will always be the size it is for my whole life. I just can’t compete if the penis size is king. And I think that is the core difference according to my emotional brain, trying to work though the societal pressures, and these cuckoldresses stated desires. The fear of believing his dick is better, fucks better, is a really difficult emotional pill to swallow. How can it not, at least sometimes, make you feel bad to know your body is not just different but openly considered worse? When it comes to penis size Baxter’s cock (like most bulls) is literally physically more-than, and that is a truth that I can not change. Of course, having a cuckold mindset means that truth can get me very excited when I’m in in the right erotic headspace, or really down if I’m not in a good mental or emotional place.
Before I continue I want to be very clear, I have no problem with cuckoldresses, or any women, being truthful about what they want, stating it, and going out and getting it. I am just trying to articulate these insecure feelings I am having, and others that may feel too, not to try emotionally contorl in any way how women express their desires. I would have absolutely no right to do that, nor do I want to. These emotions are in large part a result of what society has tought me is tied to my self worth, and also in part to my own wants of wanting to feel sexually desirable to others in that masculine way. As for my wife I do really want her to enjoy the wide variety of life and sexuality, and I want her to enjoy it without any worry of hurting me. If it turns out she develops a preference for a large penis size sometimes, or even all the time, I want her to have the option to experience and enjoy that fully. So, that is why in times like these when I’m experiencing a bruised ego, I want to investigate the core reasons why, then start rebuilding my foundations stronger. Feelings of hopelessness and feelings of being lesser-than even if in just that way, about your penis, your body, is not fun for anyone. So, it is good to work out the kinks before playing with the kinks. Of course my wife and I will continue to have conversations about it before we make any real steps into CNM.
Why In This World?
So, you may be wondering if reading blogs about cuckolding and chuckoldresses talking about how much they perfer huge dicks was making me feel bad why was I continuing to read them? Why was I reading the blogs, listening to the podcasts, if it was hurting me so? Well I think in part I really needed a distraction. Unfortuantly, it just turned out to also be a place to funel bad feelings I was already having at the time. I was already predisposed to darker thoughts due to another lock-down and almost two years of a global pandemic. If you are poking at, and worrying about, the ache of an old wound you are not thinking about the state of the world and your disrupted life plans. I listen to cuckold podcasts and watch cuckold porn during more regular times without the same affect because I find it both interesting and erotic. I don’t want to disparage the people expressing their desires, feelings, truth and vulnerability. I want to celebrate that. I just have to find my own path though it. The emotional part of the brain takes time to catch up to rational part and I do trust from experience it will get there eventually in time, once it realizes it is safe again. Peace in what I can’t change, and to find enjoyment and happiness in the variety and variability of the world and it’s people. Exactly what this lifestyle and CNM lifestyles seek to give.