A Little Wobble: Part 2

Note: I am going to talk a lot about penises in this series of articles, but the article isn’t really about penises. Like all body confidence issues it is about the poor body messages our society has given us since birth. These articles are about communicating the unpleasant and vulnerable feelings from a body insicurity, especially in the context of the cuckolding kink and during high anxiety times.

Cuckold Enthusiast

During the process of reading Jack & Bunni’s blog I was trying to explain to my wife why I was reacting so viscerally to it I came up with a metaphor that the cuckolding kink is like doing a bungee jump or watching a scary movie, you are seeking out a physiological fear response in a controlled way. Cuckolds are emotional fear enthusiasts.

You’re Given The Body (Image) You’re Given

This wobble of mine came about while continuing to satiate my interest in the CNM cuckolding dynamic. Cuckolding as a kink & lifestyle and the surrounding fetishes like small penis humiliation (SPH) are an odd thing in many ways. You are eroticizing not being sexually good enough. You are taking something a patriarchal society constantly reinforces of a key part of your value, the quality of your penis, and getting your most loved one to demote it in value, often times coming from a place of complete honesty from your loved one. The part that makes it erotic, rather than damaging, for the men looking to have this fetish fulfilled, I think, is that to some degree like any good BDSM play, you are absolved from the anxiety of having to live up to some external or internal expectation. Cuckolding is mental and emotional BDSM play through-and-through. I guess like any BDSM play the boundaries you are pushing against are subject to change by external circumstance. This has been the case for me and my emotional wobble, the ground I thought was steady was all of a sudden feeling very wobbly. An emotional tremor.

To expand on that metaphor a bit imagine cuckolding like the emotional equivalent of trying to stand as close as possible to the edge of the tallest ledge you can find. Every time you do it you get the pit of your stomach primal fear and all the muscles in your neck, shoulders, and legs tighten. And yet, you go back to stand there as often as you can, daring yourself to inch closer each time, because you find yourself craving the feeling. You hope that someday you can bring yourself to jump, in a safe way, and that safety requires a very high level trust. As for scary movies, we eventually learn that they are just movies, the fear is real but the danger is not. They are designed to get our body to react with fear, but without any fear of harm. Like a scary movie kinks like cuckolding and SPH are also playing with fear, and like a well done horror movie the deepest scares come from our collective cultural fears used to stoke a personal one. With both cuckolding and SPH you are not-so-gently poking at cultural norms you have been told though a lifetime of repetition are the highest social stakes for people raised as a man. Your penis, a thing that males have absolutely no control over what it is like. Something they can never ever change but is taught to men has the highest sexual value, even your highest value period, as a man. The cultural joke after all is that men have to compensate for their penises with power, wealth, strength, or anything at all. And even with that supposed counter balance, that compensation, a man with small penis can be toppled in status just by pointing out he has a small penis. Men can try to compensate for it, but they can’t escape it, so they learn to hide their penises and their fears. Patriarchal society says a man’s ultimate value is his penis. So there you are, with this kink, standing near the edge of social disgrace, knowing the your truth and willing yourself to take the biggest trust fall you can think of hoping someone has secured the other end of the bungee cord.

The patriarchy hurts us all but it hurts women more than men, no comparison. (That isn’t even considering other factors like race and queerness. I will do my best to be mindful of my language here, and I ask you note I am writing solely from my experience.) To that, I noted while ruminating on bodies, in our society men are expected to take up more space, and women less space. What occurred to me is that this manifests right down to the size of our genitals. Larger, more manly. Smaller, more womanly. Larger penis, more manly. Smaller vagina, more womanly. So any woman reading this can easily imagine the situation I described above in regards to the societal pressures of living up to a marketed ideal body type, and then some. Their bodies are policed more in every why in our society. Is that in part why there is such a thrill on both sides of a straight cuckold couple’s experience of cuckolding and SPH? Of reinforcing that societal trope? Women for a change, in a minor personal, and sexually enjoyable way get to police men’s bodies. And who could blame them? As a bonus the men are getting a kick out of pushing on that same societal taboo.

When it comes to the size of my penis the feeling of safety and acceptance was something I had to fight for and something that came later in life. As I mentioned, growing up as a boy unless you knew you were had a significantly larger penis you were taught to continually live in fear being thought of as having a small penis. It is enforced through jokes, teasing, and mockery. As for my own personal journey by the time I was grew aware of penis size as a issue I needed to worry about I had access to resources to learn about what the average penis size was and did to try help assuage my fears, to find my out my sexual value. I read every possible study I came across in interest just in case the average they arrived to was somehow different, placing me better or worse in value, and I measured a lot. At a maximum of 6.75 inches hard according to most studies I was slightly larger than average in length, but not by much. And when studies on penis size bothered to mention girth at 4.75 inches I was average at best. This made me feel mostly okay, at the time about, thinking at least I was a little over average so couldn’t be considered small, but was also sad for knowing I was not hung, and all the extra confidence I assumed it would have brought. That said it wasn’t something that I obsessed about every day. I don’t remember it giving me too much anxiety, not that I was very successful in the sex department anyway. I didn’t have many sexual encounters before I met my wife, I assumed it was because I wasn’t attractive, turns out I’m pretty easy on the eyes, but I was just clueless when it came to letting women know when I was interested! And so it continued, and with the advent of online porn I got really familiar with what it meant to have a large penis, huge even. Not just in pro porn, that was never really my thing, but amateur porn even. Those men obviously learned they didn’t have a reason to by shy about it and were happy to have their dicks online. And I get it, big dicks are more exciting visually and it seemed physically. The messages were continuing to be reinforced in my head. It wasn’t until I was going though a very difficult time in my life that penis size came out as a true anxiety. While healing parts of my past wounded psyche I found my sense of self on shaky ground and transferring the uncertainty in myself to an obsession about the size of my dick. I remember my poor wife coming home finding me nearly in tears shaken yet again, this after months of very tough times together. I had got so obsessed with my penis size I had been jelqing all that afternoon trying so much to stretch my penis I ended up physically hurting myself in the process. The physical part wasn’t why I was in near tears, it was because it was where I had placed my value and worth, I was in a state. My ever loving, patient, and dear wife comforted me that afternoon and eventually I found my way back to steadier ground.

This was also around that time I first learned about hotwifing and cuckolding though blogs. Thinking about your wife enjoying those large cocks the same way I saw women in amatur porn enjoying big dicks was hot! I was into it! I no longer remember where I was in my own body acceptance journey before finding these blogs but I do remember more excitement and enjoyment than anxiety. It is possible the obsessions just shifted, the anxiety I had about not being able to satisfy women with my penis size, the imagined pleasure my wife would have by having access to a large cock was no longer on my shoulders! She could get that pleasure still, and somehow that was making me feel excited and hot! The stories included in these blogs of the journey the couples took also made it seem possible that someday we would get there. At the time my wife had absolutely no interest in CNM, even at my assurances it could only be one sided, but I felt if it was ever going to happen it would be the most likely path. Excitement of the exotic and novel that we could both enjoy.

From that point I just kept getting happier-and-happier and more comfortable with my body again. I was regularly exercising for the first time since childhood and it showed. I was also continuing to deal with the personal issues through therapy, developing heather coping mechanisms for past trama. I was reconnected. Reconnected with myself, reconnected with my wife, and we reconnecting with each other.

During this growing time of re-connection our sexual play included some regular themes of BDSM and cuckolding. We would talk about my wife wanting to fuck other people and how much bigger and better they would be in bed. This talk didn’t affect my confidence in my own body but rather just turned me on. In fact, during the early days it turned me on so much I would get a bit carried away with it, spending time online reading all about the fetish and looking at cuckold porn online, and then dumping it all on her at once. It is not that she wasn’t into the fantasy but she just wasn’t consuming it the way I was. I would hold back knowing this, not wanting to overwhelm her, then exploding with it as soon as she allowed me to open the lid of my desire. While I was feeling better with my body, I was still stuck, in a different shame cycle, of getting all hot-and-bothered about cuckolding and hotwifing online, being afraid to talk to my wife about it, then dump it on her all at once. On more than one occasion my wife had to pump the breaks and get me to understand it was too much. Neither of us managed this time in our relationship perfectly, we’ve gotten much better communicating since, so it was a learning process for us both as we explored the fantasy. If you have listened to or read any stories from real cuckolding couples, this seems to be a very common cycle. But as far as I can remember tell my shame was tied to the amount of cuckolding desire, not the size of my penis, at least on a conscious level. I wanted to watch my wife recieving higher levels of sexual fulfillment, and in my mind, that would only be possible with a huge dick. As far as I can remember the anxiety had been converted into erotica. I learned to enjoy standing at the edge of a high up ledge.

A Weighted Blanket For Your Dick

A few years ago, likely after a few years of fantasizing about it, I got up the nerve to tell my wife I wanted to buy a chastity device. While she didn’t know much about it she didn’t mind trying it out (she has always been so great at that for fantasy play). The one I ordered was the clear CB-6000 and it fit quite well once it arrived. We tried it out a few times with my wife holding the key, I think we even had it on for a week straight at one point. I am a very regular masturbator, so never having any release was an exiting new experience. I specifically remember one morning after having been locked up for a while, getting up to fix breakfast, and I had a sexy thought, then had a spasm and a very large dollop of pre-cum ended up on the floor just like that. Sadly, the CB-6000 cage broke (thankfully while I was at home!) and while we tried a repair with super glue I never really trusted it again and so we just didn’t use one for a while. But I started to miss having one, even if just for my own play. I like how a chastity device puts me into mental state that is similar but different to subspace. In notied it reduces my anxiety about penis related things, and allows me and easier time of putting down any masculine or gender performance. It does this for me even when I am exploring my sexuality on my own. One thing I recently found though this play is that I can push the shaft of my penis inside myself all the way (amazing when you can still learn things about your own body!) Because of this, I thought I why not try smaller cages next time? So, I ordered the CB-6000s specifically because I wanted to feel smaller! I would have tried out the Mini-Me if I could have found it in my country! And while I was able to fill out the CB-6000 right to the tip the CB-6000s also seems to fit. I’ve now also ordered a few metal chastity devices that are even smaller. If I can successfully get on will make it look like I just have an acorn of a penis, or even nothing at all!

The new CB-6000s arrived just around the time I was experiencing this unexpected unsettling emotional wobble around cuckolding and my penis size. Interestingly, to some degree putting it on actually made me feel better. This device which makes my penis look smaller, and is designed to make it unusable, made me feel a bit better about my penis and its size. When I was explaining these feelings to my wife I equated it to a anxiety reducing weighted blanket. The mere act of putting it on moved my feelings of insecurity and woe about my penis size into a place of comfort and play. To simplify I think some part of my subconscious was like, “I don’t have to worry about the size of my dick or expectations around it. It is locked up for fun play!” It changed how I related to my body almost immediately. Funny how we know how clothes can change how you feel but we don’t always relate it to something like that!

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