A Little Wobble: Part 3

Note: I am going to talk a lot about penises in this series of articles, but the article isn’t really about penises. Like all body confidence issues it is about the poor body messages our society has given us since birth. These articles are about communicating the unpleasant and vulnerable feelings from a body insicurity, especially in the context of the cuckolding kink and during high anxiety times.

How Does If Fit In?

Another aspect of sexual self is that I am both queer and a person that likes anal-play. Those two things aren’t connected but I am both of them. My sexual attraction is not dependent on gender. I find some men and many penises sexually attractive. Actually, I think most men, regardless of their sexuality find penises sexually arousing weather or not they are keen to admit it. Just see how much big dick there is in almost any straight porn; content which is almost entirely made by and for men (see: male gaze, patriarchy). That is to say on one level I do get it, big dicks are hot. So why wouldn’t women but into them or even prefer them!

Because of this I also understand that size isn’t necessarily all that matter either. Some dicks are prettier than others (viewer dependent of course). There are many factors to why you might find a dick attractive relating to the penises themselves, the people they are attached to, or the context they are in. And that is all up to personal preferences. I personally know how a dick-like object feels inside me. I have tried many different sizes dildos, including a realistic dildo that is as large as any penis I have ever seen a in porn. I can take it, and I can enjoy it. I know I like the sense of accomplishment that I get when feeling like I’ve overcome the mental challenge of taking something stretching me to my limits, it can almost feel like it is filling up your mind because it take all your focus to take it. But also know I don’t like it all the time. Once I was able to take it I realized I don’t even prefer it most of the time. Sometimes you don’t want to climb that mountain, or even put the time in to get ready to do so! After many years of anal play with dildos I have come to realize the largest dildo isn’t the best, to me. More often than not I’ll reach out for one that is big enough to do the trick without taking all the effort, larger than my penis but also not hugely so. And other times I reach for the one about my size, maybe even smaller, that is harder and curved to hit my prostate. In this way, compared to men that can’t admit or are just not attracted to penises, or men that are not into anal, I been better able to emotionally unlearn some of the belief that the largest dick is the best. Through my own experience of taking one and how that can feel.

Even so, the idea, the fear, the worry that my own penis is inadequate to provide the best pleasure is a tenacious one. Having a dick and taking a dick hits differently, the confidence you need is different quality. I can take variable sized dicks by my own choosing and preference, I don’t have a variable sized erection. It is one size that does not fit all. I not only envy the size of men with larger dicks, I envy the confidence that I think comes with it. And I don’t think that thought is unfounded. Hotwives do seem to talk an a lot about the things they enjoy with extramarital lovers is a big dick and the sexual confidence that seems to come with it. I can only ever bring one of those things to the table, excepting times like this where my body confidence has wavered. I know what it can be like to want the feeling of the large or huge dick at least from time-to-time, and even while I know it isn’t the be-all and end-all of pleasure, the idea that I can never provide that pleasure sometimes just pokes away at a tender part of my ego.

Turns out, my wife is also queer. I wouldn’t mind someday in the future experience being fucked by a person with a cock. My wife has shown interest in fucking someone with a pussy. Neither of us can provide that for another, not in the same way, and we never can. But we would both may have interest in pursuing it someday if we feel we could comfortably do so while keeping our relationship safe. This is another point of interest I don’t fully comprehend about my penis size angst either. Yes I will never have a big or huge dick, I can’t provide that for my wife myself if she someday decides that is her preference but I also can’t provide my wife with a pussy, nor the experience of having a pussy. Yet, hearing women expressing a preference for a big dick, and potentially wife will be one of them, can cause my heart rate to rise in a flight/flight/freeze survival mode response kind of way. I can literally feel my blood pumping in my throat. I think it is mostly what I noted previously about the societal expectation of being a man and how that relates to penises. I’m not competing with other woman so a vagina isn’t posing the provoking the same social threat response. I’m only competing with other men in this space, that is who I will be losing ground to. I have failed as a man. I am not being good enough when measured in that way. I’m not a woman so I can’t be a not-good-enough woman, but I can be a not-good-enough man with a not-good-enough penis.

Does Cuckolding Fit?

So, my wife and I have been playing with SPH for many many years now as I noted earlier, but my wife has never sought out larger sized toys and has in past has even needed time to accommodate me. Like myself though, she is not very sexually experienced, we both can count past sexual partners prior to our relationship on one hand. I can’t help but think in the back of my mind that she could take a larger partner, and my cuckold & hotwife fueled mind assumes she will get more satisfaction from it. Maybe she will and maybe she won’t but she might and I think that is totally fine, in fact most of me will be very happy for her! My best friend and the person I love the most getting that good D! That is the nugget of potential that we play off with SPH and cuckolding fantasies. In our dirty talk she needs more, would like to feel more, and enjoys telling me so. And just in that way cuckolding is funny, I count myself very lucky and extremely fortunate that she does enjoy it to get us both off.

We got together quite young, and while we never took the plunge into making any CNM fantasy a reality my wife has consistently been game for enjoying any fantasies I bring up. She has taken fantasies of cuckolding and SPH like a fish to water. Also, on more than one occasion has encouraged me to think of other women while we are fucking. All this play the SPH in particular was prior to this most recent wobble of emotional and physical insecurity. Even with our regular SPH play we do oscillate between the teasing of me having a small dick and her ogling it with desire. She does like my dick, and I do trust that. Even if she ever gets, and decides, she like bigger she will still want and like mine. I would never want to stand in the way of trying out the variety of life, in fact I want to help her try out and find out what she likes. My current wobble isn’t about “keeping my woman” from trying other dicks and liking them better, it stems from not being able to be the person with the big dick! Wanting to be the person she desires the most in all ways, even when I know that is silly, even when I’m suggesting she could like bigger better. I think what I worry about in part is when I read about cuckoldresses continuing to have fondness for their husbands, but no sexual desire for their penises or at least not as much is that I want to continue to be carnally desired. I may not be fully a cuck.

I have wondered about if in part where this wobble might also be coming from is the fact that after a couple of decades me and my wife are thinking about opening up our relationship for real. As noted previously, this came about quite recently and we have talked about what kind of open relationship would work and how to start. We have quite a few polyamorous friends so we are generally thinking something along those lines (i.e. nothing explicitly kinky or fetishy). But one decision we did come to was that it was likely best for her to start first, with there being no pressure or timeline for it to open up on my side. This was in part because I didn’t really have jealous feelings about it where as my wife still has some difficulty with the idea of me being with other people. So, it just made sense for us as a way to try CFM out. We could take it as one step before we decide if we want to take any more steps, and which steps those might be. Even mid-wobble I’m still totally good with this plan. One of the reasons I’m trying to interrogate this emotional wobble of insecurity now is because I want to do my best to make sure I don’t unexpectedly get into a bad place if she does find out larger and better for her, or something else even. Again, this is a whole reason for trying a CNM relationship enjoying other people. Perhaps my current trip up is the cuckold framing of better-than rather than the non-kinky polyamorous version of just different. I honestly don’t know at the moment so we just may need to see how we go. That said the idea of being locked up in chastity on her first date does excite me. Even if we decide to try play with that I think we will both be mindful of how that feels and at each step we take. If cuckolding is the right path for us to try outside of just fantasy.

As I’ve written this I do wonder if what this tells me is that I can’t be a cuckold in the full time lifestyle sense. At least not to start with, maybe ever. We never planned to open our relationship specifically in that way, in the cuckold way. Our more serious talks have only been about a one sided polyamorious relationship, perhaps closer to a hotwifing dynamic. We do enjoy the cuckolding kink as a fantasy but it was staying firmly as a bit of spice we played around with by ourselves. Not to say we might never give it a go when if we get a bit more CNM experience, but we may not. I like to be desired, and large penis aside, I have more than a little bull desires in me. I do have fantasies of seeing a couple for example. My wife and I have been together for over two decades and have seen a lot of change we know to expect the unexpected and use our communication as our lifeline. But on this is a new adventure we want to take we will be doing it slowly and enjoying it together. Speaking our truth at the time, what ever that may be, and pacing ourselves to give time for our emotional brains to catch up with the reality of our fantasies.

Me And My Wife And My Penis

Here at the end of all this writing I am still wobbling a bit, but feeling like I might be starting to right again and aiming to be kind to myself. I know it is likely largely cased by the external stresses of the world at the moment and just manifesting as this old insecurity and desire to be the “best man”, which I’m not, in may ways. Even so I am unsure as to why my brain has chosen to fixate on not having a “big enough penis to satisfy women” again in it’s anxiety. While quite quizzical and surprising it isn’t something I just made up, that insecurity was planted there as I developed. But as mentioned, I am moving towards feeling better again.

Something I did notice the other day while me and my wife were playing with some toys, working up towards a toy that is larger than my penis. The play and fantasy of my wife taking a larger cock wasn’t making me feel bad! And not because she was having trouble taking it! She very may well take a larger toy all in sometime and enjoy it more, or at lest differently. But I noticed I wasn’t feeling bad about myself while we were enjoying our time together. Afterwards, when I thought back about it and why it didn’t trigger my insecurity I do think it might be because of the connection me and my wife have. That is something I emotionally trust in, years of experiences together and being close. I know I can’t be everything, even physically, to my wife and I want her to experience a variety of pleasure and apparently my emotional brain knows well enough to trust in our connection even when it is experiencing body confidence wobbles. In this clarity I understood better the wobble isn’t about what my wife enjoys, it is about me and the body I wish I had.

Me and my wife’s connection is a key difference that I don’t have with other cuckoldresses, even as I am deeply empathizing with their cucks, I don’t have that real emotional connection with them to step back from the high of teasing and denial as easily. I know my mood is seated in my own body worth and judgement. I need to change that in time no one else needs to. I have a desire to physically be able to be a cuckold and a bull, but my mind at the moment just isn’t allowing my the belief that is could even be a possibility because of my penis size. (I also have fantasies about being a slut/hotwife/cuckoldress to be fair…) That wanting, a feeling I usually enjoy, just happens to be stinging a bit harder at the moment, the pain exceeding the pleasure. Sex is a mental game with only brief points of physical contact, it is useful to remember that, of myself and others. If I can convince myself I can be both, maybe someday I will be and I’m so thankful I get to take it with someone that makes me feel safe in the shakiest of times, my wife.

Coda

As an individual I sit in the middle of a few social intersections. A CNM lifestyle requires honesty. Honesty between me and my wife, honesty about our true desires, but also honesty with ourselves. I’m starting to realize as much as the fantasy and play of cuckolding excites me I am not likely a fit as a lifestyle of a cuckold as I may have thought, or that I’ve come across. I too like variety too much, and it doesn’t fit into the dynamic me and my wife want to have all the time. It is very possible, even likely, that while i am not a Stag I am a cuckold-switch or a cuckold-vers of some kind. And when taking the reset of my personality into consideration that probably should not have been so difficult to figure out!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s