Since our area of the world has relaxed a little bit COVID-wise I too have relaxed as well. I have now had a some more time and space to process what I was feeling from my last few posts. If I’m honest, and as I predicted to myself, I do feel a little silly about having had those feelings of insecurity at all, and that I bothered to share them. Vulnerably is hard! But as I have learned many times over vulnerability is also powerful so I think it is important for myself, and I hope others, that I wrote that series when I was in the midst of all those feelings. For now I wanted to revisit a couple topics I did write about to weed out any remaining thoughts and feelings about them, specifically on the topics of small penis humiliation (SPH) and cuckolding. For what it is worth dear readers, I do have another series of posts in mind that I want to write up, some about tropes in the cuckold lifestyle, some about the exciting and fun play my wife and I have been enjoying recently, but before then here are a few things I’ve been thinking on since.
Body Part Humiliation
Considering the topic of SPH, I’ve had this kink for a long while now and have shared and enjoyed it with my wife for nearly as long. Even so, I’m still trying to fully dig into understanding it in myself. I wrote about some of the likely societal background reasons for it pretty extensively already in the Little Wobble series but wanted to write about it from a slightly different angle to see if I can deepen my understanding a bit more.
Let’s take small penis humiliation at face value and do a bit of a mental exercise applying it to any other body part. (Fair warning, we will be diving into body image issues which could be triggering for some.) Take a minute and imagine yourself fully naked, standing in front of body-length mirrors that give you a 360° view of your entire body. Now, in your mind’s eye, looking in those mirrors scan down your body and focus all the places you have ever felt insecure about. Of those parts of your body that you feel some insecurity about take the part you feel the most insecure about and just focus on that. Look at that part of your body in those full-length mirrors and think about how it makes you feel. What words, statements, or phrases come to mind? All those judgments you hear are learned, based on current societal forces, but the negative feelings they evoke are no less real. Now, imagine after feeling those emotions and hearing all that negative self talk you then go to your most loved one, the one who is supposed to make you feel safe and accepted, and request that they tease and humiliate you about that body part, with the same type of negative self talk you just had running though your head moments ago!
Whew! Let’s continue. You have managed to convince your loving partner to do repeat the statements of humiliation back to you, out loud, echoing the negative self talk you had in your head. Eventually, not only have you now hyper-focused on and also internalized so much of this negative body perception you now also think your partner should go find someone else with a perceived better version of that body part as to properly fulfill them sexually. You are convinced having what you view as a better version of that body part you feel poorly about would bring them better sexual gratification. Again, your most loved one agrees to do so and not only do they do it but then they come back and tell you, backed with real experience, how much better sex was with that other person because of that better body part. They confirm what was your worst, likely longest held, fears about your body! They tell you how much more deeply sexually satisfying a better version of it was. They even tell you how they were able to enjoy more satisfying sexual positions because of their new lover’s better body. They are not saying this to you to be cruel or to hurt you but they are just confirming though experience that you were right. That body part you felt most insecure about when looking in those full-length mirrors isn’t as good in the very ways you suspected all along! Not only that but there is absolutely nothing you can do to change that.
And all that is basically what SPH is like! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALL ABOUT?! For the exercise we just went through what body part were you thinking about? Have you ever desired the same kind of humiliation or teasing about it that people into SPH desire? Does a variation of SPH exist for bellies, butts, boobs, vulvas, arms, fingers, thighs, or other body parts?! I haven’t come across much of it if it does (to be fair that could be because I don’t go looking for it) but I can speculate why SPH is seemingly so much more popular in comparison to any other body part humiliation.
Previously, I talked about SPH and cuckold eroticism as an adrenaline-junkie metaphor. Similarly, I think you can also use joke telling as a metaphor for SPH eroticism. (Ha ha, your dick is a joke!) A good joke takes a topic from our society that we are not fully comfortable with, slowly builds up anxiety levels in the setup, and then finally at the height of that anxiety and anticipation it releases the pent up energy in the punchline. This anxiety release results in delightful surprise then laughter and in many cases thinking about that topic in a different way afterwards, perhaps without even realizing it. In a similar way I think the SPH kink accomplishes the same result though eroticism instead of humor, even when those that find themselves into SPH don’t realize so consciously. SPH takes the societal masculine expectation of having to have the best penis for fucking, slowly builds up that anxiety though teasing and humiliation, and releases it in lovely eroticism when the expectation of living up to that societal ideal is suddenly confronted.
When we can confront our insecurities and understand that they come from external sources like societal expectation we can then to start to realize that accepting ourselves as we are might be less threatening than we expected. In it’s own way SPH does force men to confront the expectation of the ideal penis and removes the physic burden of having to live up to that. They can start to accept their body the way it is by having their most loved one not deny or pretend that their body is something it isn’t but confront the source of insecurity with them together. I can imagine this has parallels to body size insecurities in general. For example when even well meaning people say things like “Your not fat, your pretty!” Firstly, they are not diametrically apposed things, people can be both fat and pretty. (I personally find fat people hot as fuck.) Secondly, it denies what people’s bodies are. Denying someone’s body is not the shape it is is not a road to acceptance. That said both examples given are very tied to self worth in our society. You don’t hear people saying “Your not tall, your pretty!” nor do you hear people saying “Someone’s compensating for their small nipples!” The more we hear these body expectations in our society the more we need to unpack them in ourselves.
That said even within the above examples they are different in this particular kink community. For some reason cuckolds, and Cuckoldresses, prefer to confront SPH body image anxiety within this kink in a way that is different for other body image issues. Let’s face it, people, especially women, are forced to confront and deal with body size shaming all the time in everyday life, and not in a safe erotic way at home. I wonder if some of the difference with SPH is that a person’s own penis can only be actually scrutinized for what it really is in contexts where nudity is socially acceptable. And for function only during sexual ones. Generally in many societies penises can be hidden away and the anxiety of their physicality never realized from others. The SPH kink lets people with penises confront their body anxiety and confirm what they are with others, with all their perceived flaws, in the places they are only exposed in. All our other external body parts are exposed pretty regularly and any anxiety about them confronted daily. Not so with penises. If my hypothesis is right, I wonder if SPH is less of a fetish where penises are seen regularly, all their shapes and sizes normalized and less social stigma attached to that. People would still have their penis size preferences sure, just like for any other body part, but the scrutiny and axiety of that would not be so hyper-focused to private bedrooms and sexual contexts.
For SPH like any other BDSM related kink consent is what separates the activities from abuse. Again, for those that didn’t hear the first time: consent, consent, consent. In order for SPH to be healthy everyone involved must be that actively consenting, and this is especially the important for the person in the submissive position who is made most vulnerable. I think SPH works for both cuckolds and Cukoldresses because it is likely tightly linked to our puritanical and patriarchal society. Cuckolds get to confront their body issues, have their worries acknowledged (whether or not the Cuckoldresses actually agree it is an issue or not the acknowledgement is what is key), and that gives them a place to start processing that axiety. For Cuckoldresses, I suspect what release they get out of it includes gaining some power and control over something that is so highly valued in a patriarchal society, even if it is just in that fantasy setting with their partners. What allows for this processing to happen in a healthy way is the love of the couple doing it, that core foundational safe harbor love in a good healthy relationship. I suspect where SPH feelings can goes astray is when cucks lose sight of the loving relationship part. This can either be tied to external stress making them feel more vulnerable all around amplified in their body insecurities, or by over use of porn, blogs, podcasts. All of which come from others that convey the tropes of SPH and cuckolding without the foundation of that relationship love anchoring them in feelings of safety.
And this is where I am now. Since my little wobble of insecurity my wife and I have picked up playing with more SPH, chastity, orgasm denial, and cuckold teasing than in a long while, perhaps than ever before. I recently had my dick locked up for a week straight with teasing about it the whole way though. She’s demoted my dick from an eggplant emoji to a mushroom in our text chats and has since named mushroom. I have and have since worn new metal chastity devises that make my dick look like an acorn nestled amongst my balls while I’ve ask her to tell me how small and useless it is. Even out of chastity I have still yet been aloud to cum, but I’ve been pegged in chastity, and since hearing about ruined orgasms on the Keys and Anklets podcast she has decided that is likely the only release I’ll get when she eventually allows me to cum. All that AND I’M LOVING IT. It has all made me feel better since my wobble. The world around us is a bit better for now as well, so less stress all around, but I have no doubt this SPH and cuckolding play is what helped me get though my wobble of insecurity together with my wife. And as I noted previously that deep love that me and my wife have together seems to be the key of all this play being fun and restorative even when on the surface it could seem cruel and antithetical to healing.
Gift Giving Etiquette
Cuckolding had an inherit asymmetry. One partner can have multiple sex partners while the other partner remains monogamous. For a straight couple this cuckolding setup seems to most often be the woman of the couple being the one who is able to seek and have other lovers (Cuckqueans excepting). In the media I’ve consumed Hotwives and Cukoldresses are fully aware of this asymmetry, they acknowledge it is a gift their cuckolds have given them and they love their cucks (or Stags) for it. They talk often about how strong their cuckolds are for offering this style of relationship up to them where they as women can play and explore their sexually with other people while their cucks remain a safe haven for them to come back to. Hotwives and Cuckoldresses also often also talk about how counter to external perceptions, cuckolds are not actually weak, but rather have so much strength in proving their wives with the experiences, growth, and safety it affords them to do what they do and how much of a gift that truly is to them.
I of course I completely agree with those sentiments. It does take a strength and a will beyond even symmetrical open relationships to try this lifestyle. A lifestyle that is even judged from by other types of open relationships. What I do find notable though is how often it seems Hotwives and Cuckoldresses are not eager or even willing to reciprocate with this same gift of strength and vulnerability for their partners that they themselves enjoying so much. And, while it is notable, I do understand it. I genuinely feel that in any circumstance you shouldn’t give gifts expecting the same in return. It is a gift. You give it because you want to show your appreciation for a relationship in the way you can and without the premise of expecting the same gift back. That said even if you don’t get the same gift back relationships should be a two way streets of appreciations. I know I personally would feel bad if my partner was giving me a wonderful gift I cherished and I wasn’t able to offer something even similar in return at some point, especially knowing how much pleasure and growth the gift they have given me would provided me. So, now I want to take some time to explore this asymmetry bit better. Run my hands along the along the edges this one-sided open relationship dynamic to try understand it in it’s fullness, form all sides, both for myself and hopefully for other as well. If being given the gift of a secure relationship from which to explore one’s own sexuality with others shows love and abundance why do Hotwives and Cuckoldresses seem so disinclined to reciprocate this gift for their loved ones?
First an exception to the above, because there does seem to be an exceptions to that scenario, at least in part. Based on many cuckold-lifestyle podcast interviews I’ve listened to and personal blogs I’ve read there seems to be a few couples that came to Hotwifing and Cuckolding via swinging. Both partners, at least to some degree, got to explore their sexually through experiences with other people. From this experience one person realized they didn’t care to fuck other people any more, for what ever reason, and the couple settled on a one-sided open relationship dynamic based off of the fullness of experience. It seems like in those couples the eventual Hotwives and Cuckoldresses were fine with their partners being also able to fuck other people at some point at least, maybe still, but their partners have chosen not to after trying it out. The eventual cuckolds were extended the same gift of trust, vulnerability, and strength by their partners in those cases. Their partners were able to explore the shape of their own sexuality in the same way, though play with others. Others with different body types and sexual abilities, and in the process developing an understanding and appreciation for what those variations provided and what preferences they for them.
Then there seems to be another group in the Hotwifing and Cuckolding lifestyle. In this group the cuckold regardless of past sexual experiences has no apparent desire to explore sexually with others people. They seem to have no interest in exploring their own sexuality in that way or growing their own sexual knowledge through the experiences of sex with other people. This is even the case when the cuckolds have had limited or no sexual experience beyond their current partner. I have to say I am slightly perplexed by this group of cuckolds, especially the ones with little to no sexual experience, even when I understand the fantasy in the cuckold context and don’t expect the same affordances when I extended them to my partner. I understand better when the husbands have had a time in their life where they did get to explore sexually and are just no longer interested but I how do husbands who never even tried never want to? Especially when they see what those experience with others gives their partners, not just in pleasure but also in personal growth! They are presumably still attracted to other women so why then do they not want to have the option to explore and expand their own sexual understanding and experiences though physical encounters like their wives are able to? These cuckolds know what benefits play with others bring their Cuckoldresses in the form of body confidence, different power dynamics, enjoyment of different body types, and knowledge learned one’s self that extends to their whole lives including their partners, but they don’t seem to have any desire to do this learning in themselves. Why not?
Is this lack of desire purely cuckold and SPH related insecurity? Have they all spent so much time in the depths of cuckold porn that they think ALL women want the extremes of large dick sizes? That anything less means they couldn’t give any women fun and pleasure because of their average or smaller size penises? If so that is an extremely penis centric view! If cuckolding is supposed to be an affront to patriarchal ideals then a purely penis centric view of sexuality isn’t living up to that end but rather reinforcing views of sexuality centered around penises! And as a counter to that penis centred thinking both trans-men and lesbians exist and have fantastic sex lives by many accounts all without penises. And even if you do only focus on straight penis related sex many studies indicate that on average women want about an averaged sized dick. Sure, I can hear you saying, studies can be biased by cultural norms and the biases of the scientists themselves. Also, maybe you the cuckold have a smaller than average penis and this doesn’t inspire you to want to be vulnerable around other sexual partners. So then, think about the advice in the Kama Sutra which acknowledges the importance of the matching of genital sizes the lingam and yoni rather than larger being inherently better (interestingly it seems perhaps many Bulls would have been more aptly named “Horses”). If penises come in widely different sizes then surely vaginas do as well, and a good match is important for good penetrative sex. Just like a small cock paired with a large pussy isn’t likely feel as good as a closer match neither would a large cock paired with a small pussy, ouch! In that case you can imagine the best sex for the Hotwive or Cuckoldress could be a Bull with a smaller cock than the cuckold!
The cuckolding community has many strongly held tropes so it can be easy for men to forget that not every women is a size-queen-Cuckoldress either placating your feelings, in denial, or too inexperienced to know the better pleasure of a bigger cock. People just have different preferences. Even so most of the cuckold media that is popular tends to amplify the tropes, even when that media is aiming to be more authentic to real lived lifestyles. Cuckolding kink is an escape and it can be hard not to get swept up in the common fantasies. I think the tropes tend to get amplified so much, even unintentionally, because contemporary erotic cuckold content was consumed predominantly by white Western men for so long. They drove the demand, reinforcing what would become the tropes, popularizing of the media that reinforced their fantasies which mirrored the existing social anxieties. Big black men with big black cocks taking “their” women. But tropes are just that and I think it is important to recognize some women, even experienced non-monogomous ones, will have smaller vaginas that prefer smaller penises all clichés fantasies aside (or just prefer smaller penies regardless of their anatomy). Some women will not be as into penetration at all so penis size would be totally irrelevant. And yes some women will want large to huge penises to reach their maximum pleasure. My hope is that some day the cuckold community, the media looking to report on authentic lived experiences, expands and amplifies some of the desires less commonly seen in cuckolding as it is right now. Both for cucks and Cuckoldresses to feel they are included in the community. If straight cuckolding is all about raising up women’s pleasure to the highest position then making space for them to explore and ask for what they want sexually should be respected and celebrated for that in all it’s variety.
Point is, if penis size insecurity, or any other kind of body insecurity is the reason for not wanting to have the same sexuality expanding experiences that Hotwives or Cuckoldresses get through play with different sexual partners that would be an unfortunate thing in my view. As noted in a Keys and Anklets podcast of a Bull Round table the panel said that in their experience there are Bulls in the lifestyle with all kinds of penis sizes, not just huge dick Bulls. Cuckolds seem to do everything they can to help build up confidence and assuage the insecurities of their wives entering this lifestyle I hope Hotwives and Cuckoldresses would be willing do to reciprocate those actions for their partners if the want was really there to grow from external experience and validation. That said I do believe that some cuckolds genuinely don’t get excited by the reality of fucking other women not for body confidence reasons but because it just doesn’t push the right buttons for them sexually. Perhaps this is a form of demisexuality? Or perhaps it is it like being a Top or Dominate, or even like purely vanilla things like enjoying parties or public speaking, you can admire and be proud even jealous the people who do those things without wanting to really actually do them yourself.
There does seem to be a group of cuckolding couples where the Hotwives and Cuckoldresses straight out say they would not want to extend the same offer of that purported openness, strength, or concept of sexual abundance that they receive from their cuckolds. They will willingly have many partners themselves, possibility share their bulls, but they would not what to share their husbands. Is this it’s own type of insecurity? Would they say they are not as strong of a partner compared to their cuckolds because they would feel too vulnerable or jealous to give their partners the possibility of sexual enjoyment from others? I could understand how this inability or unwillingness to reciprocate the sexual openness to their partner with others can make all the talk about cuckold abundance, love, and strength come off like platitudes. You are saying you would not be willing to offer your partner the same kind of trust and strength in return that brings you joy if they wanted to try it? If that is the case I would be very interested to hear more interviews and questions about why that is and how these Hotwives and Cuckoldresses reconcile those things in their own minds and relationships, specifically when their cuckolds have some desire to explore if given the option. Where is the shared foundation of security in the relationship if Hotwives and Cuckolds are too possessive or jealous to share their own partners? Interestingly, this is where me and my wife are at, though we do have an understanding as I alluded to above regarding gifts. I’ll write more on it at another time but it is an agreement build in love, trust, communication and consent between us both. We understand where we both are at and meet each other in the places we are able to.
I would like to hear more of the cuckold community talking about tropes and insecurities, not just of cucks, but of Hotwives, Cuckoldresses, and Bulls as well. Heathy non-abusive sexuality, especially of the BDSM or power-play lifestyle variety, relies on the active informed consent of all parties. Everyone being honest about their needs, setting their boundaries, and only participating if those expectations are met. The amount of gifts being given and the types of gifts they are are not what makes a great party, it is when everyone is feeling safe, seen, and valued in the ways they want to be. Finally, we can enjoy the tropes, we can enjoy clichés, but we should often explicitly recognize them for what they are and note them for newer people to the scene. There is more than enough room in the community for cucks, Hotwives, Cuckoldresses, Stags, and Bulls of all body types, sizes, and preferences.
Where We Are At
Some people talk about Hotwifing, Cuckolding, Stag & Vixen as a spectrum where you can be on towards one end or the other. While I appreciate this can help some newcomers understand the terms I don’t find this metaphor useful to myself any longer. I am finding it is much more of a grab bag of fun outfits you can put on, with a bunch of accessories to pair with it, and how you pair them is different to every couple and individual. We are all shopping at the same place but coming out with different outfits. Deciding what you like and how often you like it is part of the fun and exploration. I had some anxiety about really enjoying deep cuckold play, with chastity, sissification, SPH, and so-on but then also not being like other cucks because I do have an interest in being physically sexually desired by other people and getting to fuck them. My sexuality includes both! According to some descriptions I am not classed a Stag because I really like all the kinky cuckolding stuff but I’m also not a cuckold because I do have desires to explore though sexual experience with others. As much as I want my wife to fuck other men with big dicks while I’m locked up at home in frilly panties waiting untill she comes back to tell me about it I also really get off on the fantasy being the bigger Dominate Bull for an older plus size couple (interestingly my wife is somewhat warm to that idea too). The outfit I want to come out of the shop with is a bit more, eclectic.
My wife and I are on this wonderful journey together and I’m so grateful for the joys of our play together, we have met each other where we are at. I have gifted my wife the option of an open relationship on her side only without any strings attached. Her going out and exploring does not include any expectations that I have to have or will ever have that same opportunity. That is not why I have given the gift, for reciprocation, but because it is a gift I can give. She can enjoy it, and I can enjoy the experience of that though and with her. I want her to explore her sexuality though others and bring that sexual understanding and energy back home, and now she wants that too! We haven’t even fully started opening up and we are already enjoying many of its benefits. If we find it isn’t working for us we can pause or stop then regroup and decide what to do then. Expectation of reciprocity of openness is never going to be a condition to me and I am totally happy with that. It is something we as a couple have talked about and both understand and agree to, active informed consent. I feel safe giving her the gift of exploring with others romantically and sexually, and her happiness and our shared horniness as a result is a wonderful gift of it’s own. If my wife decides she feels safe enough with me exploring an open relationship I will most likely will give it a go to build on my own very every limited sexual experience and confidence but it is not an expectation that it will ever happen. And who knows, if given the chance at fucking other people maybe some day I’d tire of it, or realize I prefer the Cuckolding kink mostly, or only, I just don’t know at this point. In any case that is a article for another day and for now we are enjoying the cuckold play we are doing and we don’t ever want to pigeonhole ourselves, unless pigeonholing is a sex thing and then maybe we do…