Balancing

Since our area of the world has relaxed a little bit COVID-wise I too have relaxed as well. I have now had a some more time and space to process what I was feeling from my last few posts. If I’m honest, and as I predicted to myself, I do feel a little silly about having had those feelings of insecurity at all, and that I bothered to share them. Vulnerably is hard! But as I have learned many times over vulnerability is also powerful so I think it is important for myself, and I hope others, that I wrote that series when I was in the midst of all those feelings. For now I wanted to revisit a couple topics I did write about to weed out any remaining thoughts and feelings about them, specifically on the topics of small penis humiliation (SPH) and cuckolding. For what it is worth dear readers, I do have another series of posts in mind that I want to write up, some about tropes in the cuckold lifestyle, some about the exciting and fun play my wife and I have been enjoying recently, but before then here are a few things I’ve been thinking on since.

Body Part Humiliation

Considering the topic of SPH, I’ve had this kink for a long while now and have shared and enjoyed it with my wife for nearly as long. Even so, I’m still trying to fully dig into understanding it in myself. I wrote about some of the likely societal background reasons for it pretty extensively already in the Little Wobble series but wanted to write about it from a slightly different angle to see if I can deepen my understanding a bit more.

Let’s take small penis humiliation at face value and do a bit of a mental exercise applying it to any other body part. (Fair warning, we will be diving into body image issues which could be triggering for some.) Take a minute and imagine yourself fully naked, standing in front of body-length mirrors that give you a 360° view of your entire body. Now, in your mind’s eye, looking in those mirrors scan down your body and focus all the places you have ever felt insecure about. Of those parts of your body that you feel some insecurity about take the part you feel the most insecure about and just focus on that. Look at that part of your body in those full-length mirrors and think about how it makes you feel. What words, statements, or phrases come to mind? All those judgments you hear are learned, based on current societal forces, but the negative feelings they evoke are no less real. Now, imagine after feeling those emotions and hearing all that negative self talk you then go to your most loved one, the one who is supposed to make you feel safe and accepted, and request that they tease and humiliate you about that body part, with the same type of negative self talk you just had running though your head moments ago!

Whew! Let’s continue. You have managed to convince your loving partner to do repeat the statements of humiliation back to you, out loud, echoing the negative self talk you had in your head. Eventually, not only have you now hyper-focused on and also internalized so much of this negative body perception you now also think your partner should go find someone else with a perceived better version of that body part as to properly fulfill them sexually. You are convinced having what you view as a better version of that body part you feel poorly about would bring them better sexual gratification. Again, your most loved one agrees to do so and not only do they do it but then they come back and tell you, backed with real experience, how much better sex was with that other person because of that better body part. They confirm what was your worst, likely longest held, fears about your body! They tell you how much more deeply sexually satisfying a better version of it was. They even tell you how they were able to enjoy more satisfying sexual positions because of their new lover’s better body. They are not saying this to you to be cruel or to hurt you but they are just confirming though experience that you were right. That body part you felt most insecure about when looking in those full-length mirrors isn’t as good in the very ways you suspected all along! Not only that but there is absolutely nothing you can do to change that.

And all that is basically what SPH is like! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALL ABOUT?! For the exercise we just went through what body part were you thinking about? Have you ever desired the same kind of humiliation or teasing about it that people into SPH desire? Does a variation of SPH exist for bellies, butts, boobs, vulvas, arms, fingers, thighs, or other body parts?! I haven’t come across much of it if it does (to be fair that could be because I don’t go looking for it) but I can speculate why SPH is seemingly so much more popular in comparison to any other body part humiliation.

Previously, I talked about SPH and cuckold eroticism as an adrenaline-junkie metaphor. Similarly, I think you can also use joke telling as a metaphor for SPH eroticism. (Ha ha, your dick is a joke!) A good joke takes a topic from our society that we are not fully comfortable with, slowly builds up anxiety levels in the setup, and then finally at the height of that anxiety and anticipation it releases the pent up energy in the punchline. This anxiety release results in delightful surprise then laughter and in many cases thinking about that topic in a different way afterwards, perhaps without even realizing it. In a similar way I think the SPH kink accomplishes the same result though eroticism instead of humor, even when those that find themselves into SPH don’t realize so consciously. SPH takes the societal masculine expectation of having to have the best penis for fucking, slowly builds up that anxiety though teasing and humiliation, and releases it in lovely eroticism when the expectation of living up to that societal ideal is suddenly confronted.

When we can confront our insecurities and understand that they come from external sources like societal expectation we can then to start to realize that accepting ourselves as we are might be less threatening than we expected. In it’s own way SPH does force men to confront the expectation of the ideal penis and removes the physic burden of having to live up to that. They can start to accept their body the way it is by having their most loved one not deny or pretend that their body is something it isn’t but confront the source of insecurity with them together. I can imagine this has parallels to body size insecurities in general. For example when even well meaning people say things like “Your not fat, your pretty!” Firstly, they are not diametrically apposed things, people can be both fat and pretty. (I personally find fat people hot as fuck.) Secondly, it denies what people’s bodies are. Denying someone’s body is not the shape it is is not a road to acceptance. That said both examples given are very tied to self worth in our society. You don’t hear people saying “Your not tall, your pretty!” nor do you hear people saying “Someone’s compensating for their small nipples!” The more we hear these body expectations in our society the more we need to unpack them in ourselves.

That said even within the above examples they are different in this particular kink community. For some reason cuckolds, and Cuckoldresses, prefer to confront SPH body image anxiety within this kink in a way that is different for other body image issues. Let’s face it, people, especially women, are forced to confront and deal with body size shaming all the time in everyday life, and not in a safe erotic way at home. I wonder if some of the difference with SPH is that a person’s own penis can only be actually scrutinized for what it really is in contexts where nudity is socially acceptable. And for function only during sexual ones. Generally in many societies penises can be hidden away and the anxiety of their physicality never realized from others. The SPH kink lets people with penises confront their body anxiety and confirm what they are with others, with all their perceived flaws, in the places they are only exposed in. All our other external body parts are exposed pretty regularly and any anxiety about them confronted daily. Not so with penises. If my hypothesis is right, I wonder if SPH is less of a fetish where penises are seen regularly, all their shapes and sizes normalized and less social stigma attached to that. People would still have their penis size preferences sure, just like for any other body part, but the scrutiny and axiety of that would not be so hyper-focused to private bedrooms and sexual contexts.

For SPH like any other BDSM related kink consent is what separates the activities from abuse. Again, for those that didn’t hear the first time: consent, consent, consent. In order for SPH to be healthy everyone involved must be that actively consenting, and this is especially the important for the person in the submissive position who is made most vulnerable. I think SPH works for both cuckolds and Cukoldresses because it is likely tightly linked to our puritanical and patriarchal society. Cuckolds get to confront their body issues, have their worries acknowledged (whether or not the Cuckoldresses actually agree it is an issue or not the acknowledgement is what is key), and that gives them a place to start processing that axiety. For Cuckoldresses, I suspect what release they get out of it includes gaining some power and control over something that is so highly valued in a patriarchal society, even if it is just in that fantasy setting with their partners. What allows for this processing to happen in a healthy way is the love of the couple doing it, that core foundational safe harbor love in a good healthy relationship. I suspect where SPH feelings can goes astray is when cucks lose sight of the loving relationship part. This can either be tied to external stress making them feel more vulnerable all around amplified in their body insecurities, or by over use of porn, blogs, podcasts. All of which come from others that convey the tropes of SPH and cuckolding without the foundation of that relationship love anchoring them in feelings of safety.

And this is where I am now. Since my little wobble of insecurity my wife and I have picked up playing with more SPH, chastity, orgasm denial, and cuckold teasing than in a long while, perhaps than ever before. I recently had my dick locked up for a week straight with teasing about it the whole way though. She’s demoted my dick from an eggplant emoji to a mushroom in our text chats and has since named mushroom. I have and have since worn new metal chastity devises that make my dick look like an acorn nestled amongst my balls while I’ve ask her to tell me how small and useless it is. Even out of chastity I have still yet been aloud to cum, but I’ve been pegged in chastity, and since hearing about ruined orgasms on the Keys and Anklets podcast she has decided that is likely the only release I’ll get when she eventually allows me to cum. All that AND I’M LOVING IT. It has all made me feel better since my wobble. The world around us is a bit better for now as well, so less stress all around, but I have no doubt this SPH and cuckolding play is what helped me get though my wobble of insecurity together with my wife. And as I noted previously that deep love that me and my wife have together seems to be the key of all this play being fun and restorative even when on the surface it could seem cruel and antithetical to healing.

Gift Giving Etiquette

Cuckolding had an inherit asymmetry. One partner can have multiple sex partners while the other partner remains monogamous. For a straight couple this cuckolding setup seems to most often be the woman of the couple being the one who is able to seek and have other lovers (Cuckqueans excepting). In the media I’ve consumed Hotwives and Cukoldresses are fully aware of this asymmetry, they acknowledge it is a gift their cuckolds have given them and they love their cucks (or Stags) for it. They talk often about how strong their cuckolds are for offering this style of relationship up to them where they as women can play and explore their sexually with other people while their cucks remain a safe haven for them to come back to. Hotwives and Cuckoldresses also often also talk about how counter to external perceptions, cuckolds are not actually weak, but rather have so much strength in proving their wives with the experiences, growth, and safety it affords them to do what they do and how much of a gift that truly is to them.

I of course I completely agree with those sentiments. It does take a strength and a will beyond even symmetrical open relationships to try this lifestyle. A lifestyle that is even judged from by other types of open relationships. What I do find notable though is how often it seems Hotwives and Cuckoldresses are not eager or even willing to reciprocate with this same gift of strength and vulnerability for their partners that they themselves enjoying so much. And, while it is notable, I do understand it. I genuinely feel that in any circumstance you shouldn’t give gifts expecting the same in return. It is a gift. You give it because you want to show your appreciation for a relationship in the way you can and without the premise of expecting the same gift back. That said even if you don’t get the same gift back relationships should be a two way streets of appreciations. I know I personally would feel bad if my partner was giving me a wonderful gift I cherished and I wasn’t able to offer something even similar in return at some point, especially knowing how much pleasure and growth the gift they have given me would provided me. So, now I want to take some time to explore this asymmetry bit better. Run my hands along the along the edges this one-sided open relationship dynamic to try understand it in it’s fullness, form all sides, both for myself and hopefully for other as well. If being given the gift of a secure relationship from which to explore one’s own sexuality with others shows love and abundance why do Hotwives and Cuckoldresses seem so disinclined to reciprocate this gift for their loved ones?

First an exception to the above, because there does seem to be an exceptions to that scenario, at least in part. Based on many cuckold-lifestyle podcast interviews I’ve listened to and personal blogs I’ve read there seems to be a few couples that came to Hotwifing and Cuckolding via swinging. Both partners, at least to some degree, got to explore their sexually through experiences with other people. From this experience one person realized they didn’t care to fuck other people any more, for what ever reason, and the couple settled on a one-sided open relationship dynamic based off of the fullness of experience. It seems like in those couples the eventual Hotwives and Cuckoldresses were fine with their partners being also able to fuck other people at some point at least, maybe still, but their partners have chosen not to after trying it out. The eventual cuckolds were extended the same gift of trust, vulnerability, and strength by their partners in those cases. Their partners were able to explore the shape of their own sexuality in the same way, though play with others. Others with different body types and sexual abilities, and in the process developing an understanding and appreciation for what those variations provided and what preferences they for them.

Then there seems to be another group in the Hotwifing and Cuckolding lifestyle. In this group the cuckold regardless of past sexual experiences has no apparent desire to explore sexually with others people. They seem to have no interest in exploring their own sexuality in that way or growing their own sexual knowledge through the experiences of sex with other people. This is even the case when the cuckolds have had limited or no sexual experience beyond their current partner. I have to say I am slightly perplexed by this group of cuckolds, especially the ones with little to no sexual experience, even when I understand the fantasy in the cuckold context and don’t expect the same affordances when I extended them to my partner. I understand better when the husbands have had a time in their life where they did get to explore sexually and are just no longer interested but I how do husbands who never even tried never want to? Especially when they see what those experience with others gives their partners, not just in pleasure but also in personal growth! They are presumably still attracted to other women so why then do they not want to have the option to explore and expand their own sexual understanding and experiences though physical encounters like their wives are able to? These cuckolds know what benefits play with others bring their Cuckoldresses in the form of body confidence, different power dynamics, enjoyment of different body types, and knowledge learned one’s self that extends to their whole lives including their partners, but they don’t seem to have any desire to do this learning in themselves. Why not?

Is this lack of desire purely cuckold and SPH related insecurity? Have they all spent so much time in the depths of cuckold porn that they think ALL women want the extremes of large dick sizes? That anything less means they couldn’t give any women fun and pleasure because of their average or smaller size penises? If so that is an extremely penis centric view! If cuckolding is supposed to be an affront to patriarchal ideals then a purely penis centric view of sexuality isn’t living up to that end but rather reinforcing views of sexuality centered around penises! And as a counter to that penis centred thinking both trans-men and lesbians exist and have fantastic sex lives by many accounts all without penises. And even if you do only focus on straight penis related sex many studies indicate that on average women want about an averaged sized dick. Sure, I can hear you saying, studies can be biased by cultural norms and the biases of the scientists themselves. Also, maybe you the cuckold have a smaller than average penis and this doesn’t inspire you to want to be vulnerable around other sexual partners. So then, think about the advice in the Kama Sutra which acknowledges the importance of the matching of genital sizes the lingam and yoni rather than larger being inherently better (interestingly it seems perhaps many Bulls would have been more aptly named “Horses”). If penises come in widely different sizes then surely vaginas do as well, and a good match is important for good penetrative sex. Just like a small cock paired with a large pussy isn’t likely feel as good as a closer match neither would a large cock paired with a small pussy, ouch! In that case you can imagine the best sex for the Hotwive or Cuckoldress could be a Bull with a smaller cock than the cuckold!

The cuckolding community has many strongly held tropes so it can be easy for men to forget that not every women is a size-queen-Cuckoldress either placating your feelings, in denial, or too inexperienced to know the better pleasure of a bigger cock. People just have different preferences. Even so most of the cuckold media that is popular tends to amplify the tropes, even when that media is aiming to be more authentic to real lived lifestyles. Cuckolding kink is an escape and it can be hard not to get swept up in the common fantasies. I think the tropes tend to get amplified so much, even unintentionally, because contemporary erotic cuckold content was consumed predominantly by white Western men for so long. They drove the demand, reinforcing what would become the tropes, popularizing of the media that reinforced their fantasies which mirrored the existing social anxieties. Big black men with big black cocks taking “their” women. But tropes are just that and I think it is important to recognize some women, even experienced non-monogomous ones, will have smaller vaginas that prefer smaller penises all clichés fantasies aside (or just prefer smaller penies regardless of their anatomy). Some women will not be as into penetration at all so penis size would be totally irrelevant. And yes some women will want large to huge penises to reach their maximum pleasure. My hope is that some day the cuckold community, the media looking to report on authentic lived experiences, expands and amplifies some of the desires less commonly seen in cuckolding as it is right now. Both for cucks and Cuckoldresses to feel they are included in the community. If straight cuckolding is all about raising up women’s pleasure to the highest position then making space for them to explore and ask for what they want sexually should be respected and celebrated for that in all it’s variety.

Point is, if penis size insecurity, or any other kind of body insecurity is the reason for not wanting to have the same sexuality expanding experiences that Hotwives or Cuckoldresses get through play with different sexual partners that would be an unfortunate thing in my view. As noted in a Keys and Anklets podcast of a Bull Round table the panel said that in their experience there are Bulls in the lifestyle with all kinds of penis sizes, not just huge dick Bulls. Cuckolds seem to do everything they can to help build up confidence and assuage the insecurities of their wives entering this lifestyle I hope Hotwives and Cuckoldresses would be willing do to reciprocate those actions for their partners if the want was really there to grow from external experience and validation. That said I do believe that some cuckolds genuinely don’t get excited by the reality of fucking other women not for body confidence reasons but because it just doesn’t push the right buttons for them sexually. Perhaps this is a form of demisexuality? Or perhaps it is it like being a Top or Dominate, or even like purely vanilla things like enjoying parties or public speaking, you can admire and be proud even jealous the people who do those things without wanting to really actually do them yourself.

There does seem to be a group of cuckolding couples where the Hotwives and Cuckoldresses straight out say they would not want to extend the same offer of that purported openness, strength, or concept of sexual abundance that they receive from their cuckolds. They will willingly have many partners themselves, possibility share their bulls, but they would not what to share their husbands. Is this it’s own type of insecurity? Would they say they are not as strong of a partner compared to their cuckolds because they would feel too vulnerable or jealous to give their partners the possibility of sexual enjoyment from others? I could understand how this inability or unwillingness to reciprocate the sexual openness to their partner with others can make all the talk about cuckold abundance, love, and strength come off like platitudes. You are saying you would not be willing to offer your partner the same kind of trust and strength in return that brings you joy if they wanted to try it? If that is the case I would be very interested to hear more interviews and questions about why that is and how these Hotwives and Cuckoldresses reconcile those things in their own minds and relationships, specifically when their cuckolds have some desire to explore if given the option. Where is the shared foundation of security in the relationship if Hotwives and Cuckolds are too possessive or jealous to share their own partners? Interestingly, this is where me and my wife are at, though we do have an understanding as I alluded to above regarding gifts. I’ll write more on it at another time but it is an agreement build in love, trust, communication and consent between us both. We understand where we both are at and meet each other in the places we are able to.

I would like to hear more of the cuckold community talking about tropes and insecurities, not just of cucks, but of Hotwives, Cuckoldresses, and Bulls as well. Heathy non-abusive sexuality, especially of the BDSM or power-play lifestyle variety, relies on the active informed consent of all parties. Everyone being honest about their needs, setting their boundaries, and only participating if those expectations are met. The amount of gifts being given and the types of gifts they are are not what makes a great party, it is when everyone is feeling safe, seen, and valued in the ways they want to be. Finally, we can enjoy the tropes, we can enjoy clichés, but we should often explicitly recognize them for what they are and note them for newer people to the scene. There is more than enough room in the community for cucks, Hotwives, Cuckoldresses, Stags, and Bulls of all body types, sizes, and preferences.

Where We Are At

Some people talk about Hotwifing, Cuckolding, Stag & Vixen as a spectrum where you can be on towards one end or the other. While I appreciate this can help some newcomers understand the terms I don’t find this metaphor useful to myself any longer. I am finding it is much more of a grab bag of fun outfits you can put on, with a bunch of accessories to pair with it, and how you pair them is different to every couple and individual. We are all shopping at the same place but coming out with different outfits. Deciding what you like and how often you like it is part of the fun and exploration. I had some anxiety about really enjoying deep cuckold play, with chastity, sissification, SPH, and so-on but then also not being like other cucks because I do have an interest in being physically sexually desired by other people and getting to fuck them. My sexuality includes both! According to some descriptions I am not classed a Stag because I really like all the kinky cuckolding stuff but I’m also not a cuckold because I do have desires to explore though sexual experience with others. As much as I want my wife to fuck other men with big dicks while I’m locked up at home in frilly panties waiting untill she comes back to tell me about it I also really get off on the fantasy being the bigger Dominate Bull for an older plus size couple (interestingly my wife is somewhat warm to that idea too). The outfit I want to come out of the shop with is a bit more, eclectic.

My wife and I are on this wonderful journey together and I’m so grateful for the joys of our play together, we have met each other where we are at. I have gifted my wife the option of an open relationship on her side only without any strings attached. Her going out and exploring does not include any expectations that I have to have or will ever have that same opportunity. That is not why I have given the gift, for reciprocation, but because it is a gift I can give. She can enjoy it, and I can enjoy the experience of that though and with her. I want her to explore her sexuality though others and bring that sexual understanding and energy back home, and now she wants that too! We haven’t even fully started opening up and we are already enjoying many of its benefits. If we find it isn’t working for us we can pause or stop then regroup and decide what to do then. Expectation of reciprocity of openness is never going to be a condition to me and I am totally happy with that. It is something we as a couple have talked about and both understand and agree to, active informed consent. I feel safe giving her the gift of exploring with others romantically and sexually, and her happiness and our shared horniness as a result is a wonderful gift of it’s own. If my wife decides she feels safe enough with me exploring an open relationship I will most likely will give it a go to build on my own very every limited sexual experience and confidence but it is not an expectation that it will ever happen. And who knows, if given the chance at fucking other people maybe some day I’d tire of it, or realize I prefer the Cuckolding kink mostly, or only, I just don’t know at this point. In any case that is a article for another day and for now we are enjoying the cuckold play we are doing and we don’t ever want to pigeonhole ourselves, unless pigeonholing is a sex thing and then maybe we do…

A Little Wobble: Part 3

Note: I am going to talk a lot about penises in this series of articles, but the article isn’t really about penises. Like all body confidence issues it is about the poor body messages our society has given us since birth. These articles are about communicating the unpleasant and vulnerable feelings from a body insecurity, especially in the context of the cuckolding kink and during high anxiety times.

How Does If Fit In?

Another aspect of my sexual self is that I am both queer and a person that likes anal-play. Those two things aren’t connected but I am both of them. My sexual attraction to others is not dependent on their gender. Because of this I find some men and many penises sexually attractive. Actually, I think most men, regardless of their sexuality find penises sexually arousing weather or not they are keen to admit it. Just see how much big dick there is in almost any straight porn; content which is almost entirely made by, and for, men (see: male gaze, patriarchy). Men seem to agree that big cocks are extraordinary looking and hot so it should not be a surprise when women feel the same. To add to it it should also perhaps not come as a surprise that they can also feel extraordinarily good for some, and to hear cuckoldresses tell it perhaps most women, if given the chance to experience the depth and fullness they can provide.

That said because of my queerness and enjoyment of things like anal play I also understand that size isn’t necessarily all that matters either. Some dicks are prettier than others (viewer dependent of course). There are many factors as to why you might find a dick attractive ranging from the penises themselves, to the people they are attached to, or the context they are in. And that is all up to personal preferences. I personally know how a dick-like object feels inside me. I have tried many different sizes dildos, including a realistic dildo that is as large as any penis I have ever seen a in porn. I can take it, and I can enjoy it. I know I like the sense of accomplishment that I get in feeling like I’ve overcome the mental challenge of taking something that is stretching me to my limits, it can almost feel like it is filling up your whole mind because it take all your focus to take it in. But also know I don’t like that feeling all the time. Once I was able to take a few times I realized I don’t even prefer it most of the time. Sometimes you don’t want to climb that mountain, or even put the time in to get ready to do so! After many years of anal play with dildos I have come to realize that for me the largest dildo isn’t always the best. More often than not I’ll reach out for one that is big enough to do the trick without taking all the effort, sometimes larger than my penis, but also not hugely so. And other times I reach for the one that is even smaller because it is happens to be more rigid and is curved to hit my prostate. In this way, compared to men that are just not attracted to dicks or men that are not into anal, I think I have been better able to emotionally unlearn some of the belief that the largest dick is the best. Through my own personal experience of taking one and how that can feel.

Even with that experience though, the idea, the fear, the worry, that my own penis is inadequate to provide the best pleasure is a tenacious one. Having a dick and taking a dick doesn’t hit in the same way. The confidence you need has a different quality. I can take different sized dicks by my own choosing and preference, I only have no choice about the size of my erection. It is one size that does not fit all. I not only envy the size of men with larger dicks, I envy the confidence that I think comes with it. And I don’t think that thought is unfounded. Cuckoldresses and hotwives do seem to talk an a lot about the things they enjoy their extramarital lovers is not only a big dick but the sexual confidence that seems to come with it. I can only ever bring one of those things to the table, excepting times like this where my body confidence has wavered where I don’t feel like I can bring either. Even if I don’t want it all the time I know what it can be like to want the feeling of the large or huge dick even sometimes, and even while I know it isn’t the be-all and end-all of pleasure, the idea that I can never be that, to be able to provide that kind of pleasure, sometimes just pokes away at a deeply tender part of my ego.

Turns out, my wife is also queer. Just as I wouldn’t mind a future experience being fucked by a person with a cock, my wife has shown interest in fucking someone with a pussy. Neither of us can provide that anatomy for the another, not in the same way as the real thing. But we would both have shown interest in pursuing it someday given we feel we could comfortably do so while keeping our relationship safe. This is another point of interest I didn’t fully comprehend about my penis size angst. Yes I will never have a big or huge dick, I can’t provide that for my wife myself if she someday decides that is her preference but I also can’t provide my wife with a pussy, nor the experience of having a pussy. Yet, hearing women expressing a preference for a big dick, and the feeling of my wife potentially being one of them, can cause my heart rate to rise in a flight/flight/freeze survival mode response kind of way at rare times like these. I can literally feel my blood pumping in my throat. I think this is due mostly to what I noted previously about the societal expectation of being a man and how that relates to penises. I’m not competing with other woman so a vagina isn’t provoking the same social threat response. I’m only competing with other men in that space, that is who I will be losing ground to. If I can’t provide a big dick I have failed as a man. I am not good enough when measured in that way. I’m not a woman so I can’t be a not-good-enough woman, but I can be a not-good-enough man with a not-good-enough penis.

Does Cuckolding Fit?

So, my wife and I have been playing with SPH for many many years now but my wife has never sought out larger sized toys and has in past has even needed time to accommodate the size I am. Like me though she is not very sexually experienced. We both can count past sexual partners prior to our relationship on one hand. I can’t help but think in the back of my mind that she could take a larger partner and my cuckold & hotwife fueled mind assumes she will inevitably get more satisfaction from it. In reality maybe she will, and maybe she won’t, but she might and I that is completely okay, in fact most parts of me will be very happy for her! My best friend and the person I love the most, getting that good D! That is the nugget of potential that we use to play with for SPH and cuckolding fantasies. In our dirty talk she needs more, would like to feel more than I can give, and enjoys telling me so. And just in that way cuckolding is funny old fetish I find myself counting myself very lucky and extremely fortunate that she does enjoy it and it gets us both off. And I am.

We got together quite young, and while we never took the plunge into making any CNM fantasy a reality my wife has consistently been game for enjoying any fantasies I bring up. She has taken fantasies of cuckolding and SPH like a fish to water. Conversely, on more than one occasion she has also encouraged me to think of other women while we are fucking, so our fantasies to extend beyond just cuckolding sometimes. All this sex play, the SPH in particular, was prior to this my most recent wobble of emotional and physical insecurity. With our regular daily play we do oscillate between the teasing of me having a small dick and her ogling my cock with desire. She does like it, and I do trust that. Even if she ever gets and decides she like bigger dicks she will still want and like mine in that way. I never ever want to stand in the way of my wife trying out the variety of life, in fact I want to help her try it out and find out what she likes though experience. My current wobble isn’t about “keeping my woman” from trying other dicks and potentially liking them better, I think it mostly stems from not being able to be the person with the big dick! Wanting to be the person women desire, specifically my wife, and I can completely fulfill in all physical ways, even when I know that is silly. I think what has suck in my mind in part is hearing about cuckoldresses that continue to have fondness for their husbands, but have changed to have no sexual desire for their penises, or at least not as much. I want to continue to be carnally desired for my body. So I’ve started to ralise I may not be fully a cuck.

I have wondered about if in part where this wobble might also be coming from is the fact that after a couple of decades me and my wife are thinking about opening up our relationship for real. As noted previously, this came about quite recently and we have talked about what kind of open relationship would work and how to start. We have quite a few polyamorous friends so we are generally thinking something along those lines (i.e. nothing explicitly kinky or fetishy). But one decision we did come to was that it was likely best for her to start first, with there being no pressure or timeline for it to open up on my side. We decided this because I don’t really have jealous feelings about it where as my wife still has some difficulty with the idea of me being with other people. So, it just made sense for us to have a one-sided CFM relationship to try CFM out and how it would work and develop for us. We could take this one step before we decided if we wanted to take any more steps, and which steps those might be. Even mid-wobble I’m still totally good with this plan. One of the reasons I’m trying to interrogate this emotional wobble of insecurity I’m having now is because I want to do my best to make sure I don’t unexpectedly get into a bad place if my wife does find out larger is better for her, or something else totally unexpected even. Again, the whole reason for trying a CNM relationship out is enjoying the variety of other people romantically and sexually. I wonder if in part my current emotional trip up is the cuckold framing of better-than rather than the non-kinky polyamorous version of just different-than. I honestly don’t know at the moment so we just may need to see how we go. That said the idea of being locked up in chastity on her first date does excite me still. Even if we decide to try play with some kink I think we will both be extra mindful of how it feels at each and every step we take. Deciding if cuckolding is the right path for us to try outside of just fantasy play between us or at all.

As I’ve written this I do wonder if what this tells me is that I am just not build to be a cuckold in the full time lifestyle sense. At least not to start with, maybe ever. We never planned to open our relationship up specifically with the cuckold kink at the forefront to start anyhow. Our more serious talks have only been about a one sided polyamorious relationship, perhaps even closer to a hotwifing or stag/vixin dynamic. That said we do enjoy the cuckolding kink as a fantasy, but it was staying firmly as a bit of spice we played around with by ourselves, secondary to the rest when we talked about the practical realities of CNM. Not to say we would never give it a go when or if we get a bit more CNM experience, but we may not ever bring it in. Another aspect of my sexuality being I like to feel physically desired, large penis worries aside, I do have fantasies of being a bull for a couple. I’ve had fantasies of domming and topping. Whether or not they ever come to reality is another matter but the potential is there within me. My wife and I have been together for over two decades and have seen a lot of change we know to expect the unexpected and use our communication as our lifeline. On this is a new adventure we are looking to take we will be doing it slowly and making sure we enjoy it together every step of the way. We will practice speaking our truth at the time, what ever that may be, and pacing ourselves to give time for our emotional brains to catch up with the reality of our fantasies.

Me And My Wife And My Penis

Here at the end of all this writing I am still wobbling a bit, but feeling like I might be starting to right again, and aiming to be kind to myself. I know this emotional wobble is likely largely cased by the external stresses of the world at the moment and is just manifesting as this old insecurity and desire to be the “best man”, which I’m not, in may ways. Even so I am unsure as to why my brain has chosen to fixate on not having a “big enough penis to satisfy women” again in this time of anxiety. While the timing is quite quizzical and unexpected the anxiety itself isn’t something I just made up, that insecurity was planted there over a lifetime. Thankfully, I am moving towards feeling better again.

I did notice something the other day, in the midst of this wobble, while me and my wife were playing with some sex toys, working up towards a dildo that is larger than me. The play and fantasy of my wife taking a larger cock wasn’t triggering any of the bad feelings I was having! And not just because she was having trouble taking the size of the toy. She very may well take the larger toy all in someday, and even enjoy it more or differently, but I took time to note I wasn’t feeling bad about myself while we were enjoying our time together talking about her having a larger man. Afterwards, when I thought back about it and why it didn’t trigger my insecurity I thought it might be due to the connection me and my wife have. That all parts of me emotionally trusts in. Our years of experiences and closeness together. I know I can’t be everything, even physically, to my wife and I want her to experience all variety of pleasure that life has to offer. Apparently my emotional brain knows that well enough as well to trust in our connection even when it is experiencing body confidence wobbles. In this clarity I understood even better that the wobble isn’t about what my wife enjoys but it was about me and the body I wish I had.

Me and my wife’s connection is a key difference that I don’t have with other cuckoldresses, even as I am deeply empathizing with their cucks while reading their blogs and listening to podcasts. I don’t have that real emotional connection with them to better step back from the ledge walking high of teasing and denial they talk about. I also know my mood is seated in my own body worth and judgement. I need to change that with time within myself. I noted I also have desires to physically be able to be a cuckold and a bull, but unfortunately my mind just isn’t allowing my the belief that is could even be a possibility in a fantasy way at the moment, with my own penis size that is. (I also have fantasies about being a slut/hotwife/cuckoldress to be fair that is a whole other topic.) That deep sexual wanting, a feeling I usually enjoy with cuckolding, just happens to be stinging a bit harder at the moment, the pain exceeding the pleasure. Sex is mostly a mental game with only brief points of physical contact, it is useful to remember that, of myself and others when considering bodies. If I can eventually convince myself I this body could be both a cuck and a bull, maybe someday it will be, at least in spirit, even if never practiced. Overall, I’m so thankful I get to take this journey exploring CNM, cuckold or otherwise, with someone that makes me feel safe in the shakiest of times, my lovely wife.

Coda

As an individual I exist in the middle of a few social intersections. To that, CNM lifestyle requires honesty. Honesty between me and my wife, honesty about our true desires, but also honesty with ourselves. I’m starting to realize as much as the fantasy and play of cuckolding excites me I am not likely an fit to live it as a lifestyle. At least not as much as I may have thought. I too like variety too much, and a full cuckold lifestyle doesn’t fit into the dynamic me and my wife want to have all the time. It is very possible, even likely, that while i don’t identity as a stag I am something else. A cuckold-switch or a cuckold-vers of some kind. I can play in the deep waters from time to time but I like to be able to get out and try out other things or step away from it completely for a while. When taking the reset of my personality into consideration that probably should not have been so difficult for me to figure out but I’m getting there!

A Little Wobble: Part 2

Note: I am going to talk a lot about penises in this series of articles, but the article isn’t really about penises. Like all body confidence issues it is about the poor body messages our society has given us since birth. These articles are about communicating the unpleasant and vulnerable feelings from a body insecurity, especially in the context of the cuckolding kink and during high anxiety times.

Cuckold Enthusiast

During the process of reading Jack & Bunni’s blog I was trying to explain to my wife why I was reacting so viscerally to it and I came up with a metaphor that the cuckolding kink is like doing a bungee jump or watching a scary movie, you are seeking out a physiological fear response in a controlled way. Cuckolds are emotional-fear enthusiasts.

You’re Given The Body (Image) You’re Given

This wobble of mine came about while continuing to satiate my interest in the CNM cuckolding dynamic. Cuckolding as a kink which can also be a lifestyle and the surrounding fetishes like small penis humiliation (SPH) are an odd practice at first look. You are eroticizing being not sexually good enough for your partner or anyone else. You are taking something that a patriarchal society constantly reinforces is a key part of your value as a man, the quality of your penis, and getting your most loved one to demote it in value. And this demotion isn’t just necessarily a pretense, it can be coming from a place of truth and radical honesty of your loved one’s own preferences or needs; even if the delivery is perhaps embellished for the fetish sake. I think the part that makes SPH and cuckolding erotic, rather than damaging, for the men looking to have this fetish fulfilled is that to some degree like any good BDSM play it absolves the submissive from the anxiety of having to live up to some external or internal expectation. Cuckolding is mental and emotional BDSM play through-and-through. And, I guess, like any BDSM play the boundaries you are pushing against are subject to change by external circumstance. This has been the case for me and my emotional wobble, the ground I thought was steady was all of a sudden feeling very wobbly. I was experiencing an emotional tremor.

I imagine cuckolding like the emotional equivalent of trying to stand as close as possible to the edge of the tallest ledge you can find. Every time you do it you get the pit of your stomach feeling of primal fear and all the muscles in your neck, shoulders, and legs tighten. And yet, for some reason you go back to stand there as often as you can, daring yourself to inch closer each time, you find yourself craving the feeling of that fear of that anxiety. You hope that someday you can bring yourself to enjoy a safe jump off the edge to reach new feelings of exhilaration but that kind of jump requires a very high level trust. Similarly, I think cuckolding can also be thought of like scary movies, that same fear seeking and confronting behavior. We learn that the fear in a scary movie is real but the danger is not and some people find themselves seeking that out as a type of catharsis. Scary movies are designed to get our body to react with fear, but without any fear of harm. Just like a scary movie kinks like cuckolding and SPH are also playing with fear, and like a well done horror movie the deepest scares are derived from our collective cultural fears which are then used to stoke our personal ones. With both cuckolding and SPH you are not-so-gently poking at cultural norms you have been told though a lifetime of repetition are the highest social stakes for people raised as men. The size and ability of their penis. The size part particularly which they can never ever change but is taught to men has their highest sexual value, even their highest value period, as being manly. The ongoing cultural joke after all is that men have to compensate for small penises with power, wealth, strength, or anything at all. And even with that supposed counter balance, that compensation, a man with small penis can be toppled in status just by outing them, truthfully or not, for having a small penis. Men can try to compensate for it, but they can’t escape it, so they learn to hide their penises and their fears. Patriarchal society says a man’s ultimate value is his penis. So there you are, a cuckold which finds himself with this kink, standing near the edge of social disgrace, knowing the your truth and you want o jump, and willing yourself to take the biggest trust fall you can think of hoping someone has managed to secure the other end of the bungee cord to bring you back to safety after the rush.

To be absolutely clear, while the patriarchy hurts all genders it hurts women far more than men, no comparison. (That isn’t even considering other factors like race and queerness. The added complexities of which I’ll try to address another time.) To that, I noted while ruminating on bodies, in our society men are expected to take up more space, and women are expected to take up less space in every way. What occurred to me for the first time while writing this is that this manifests right down to the size of genitals. Larger body, more manly. Smaller body, more womanly. Larger penis, more manly. Smaller vagina, more womanly. Because patriarchy pressures women even more than men, any woman reading the last paragraph can easily imagine the situation I described in regards to the societal pressures of living up to a marketed ideal body type, and beyond. Their bodies are policed more in every way in our society. I wonder is that in part is why there is such an added thrill on both sides of a straight cuckold couple’s experience of cuckolding and SPH once they both get into it? On underscoring the body expectations on men for a change. Women in the cuckoldress role get to both provide and enjoy a personal release, a sexually enjoyable one, of getting to police men’s bodies for a change. And who could blame them for enjoying that even just a little? This with the full blessing and behest of their cucks looking to push back on that same societal taboo.

When it comes to the size of my penis the feeling of safety and acceptance was something I had to fight for and something that came to me later in life. As I mentioned, growing up as a boy unless you knew you were had a significantly larger penis than average you were taught to continually live in fear being talked about as having a small dick. This fear is enforced through jokes, teasing, and mockery. As for my own personal journey by the time I grew aware of penis size as a issue I needed to worry about I had some access to resources to learn about what the average penis size was. I read it all up to try help assuage my fears of having a dreaded small penis, to find my out my manly and sexual value. I proceeded read every possible study on penis size I came across with interest just in case the average size they arrived at was somehow different, placing me better or worse. I also measured my penis a lot. At a maximum of 6.75 inches hard according to most studies I was slightly larger than average in length, but not by a lot, not enough to say I was “hung”. And when studies on penis size bothered to mention girth at 4.75 inches I was average at best. This made me feel slightly sad that I couldn’t confidently be considered well hung it did make me feel somewhat safe in knowing I at least wasn’t small. I could fend off laughter if I was ever caught naked, justified in my averageness at least. To note, none of this is about the math of averages, it’s all about the feels. I still wished for the extra confidence and assuredness I assumed those with a unquestionably large penis would have in their sexual stature. Eventually with around-average being enough it wasn’t something that I obsessed about every day. I don’t remember my penis size giving me too much anxiety generally otherwise and while I was never very successful in the romance department I didn’t attribute it to my dick, I never got anywhere near that point of it being a worry! So I didn’t have many sexual encounters before I met my wife and I assumed it was because I wasn’t attractive. Turns out I’ve now been told I’m pretty easy on the eyes, but at the time I was just clueless when it came to letting women know when I was interested. And so it continued as I grew up and with the advent of online porn I got very familiar with what it meant to have a properly large penis, huge even. And it was not just in pro-porn, which was never really my thing, but amateur porn even had many men with penises larger than mine. Those men obviously learned they didn’t have a reason to by shy about their dick size and were happy to have their penises shared online. And I do get it, big dicks are more exciting visually, and it seemed. physically. Those messages were reinforced in my head over and over unnoticed. It wasn’t until I was going though a very difficult time in my life that penis size came out as a full on anxiety. While doing work to heal parts of my past wounded psyche I found my sense of self on shaky ground and I was transferring the uncertainty in myself to an obsession about the size of my dick. I remember my poor wife coming home finding me nearly in tears shaken yet again. This was after months of very tough times together. I had got so obsessed with my penis size I had been jelqing all that afternoon, trying so much to stretch my penis that I ended up physically hurting myself in the process. The physical part wasn’t why I was in near tears, it was because it was where I had placed my value and worth, I was in a state. My ever loving patient and dear wife comforted me that afternoon and over the next few months I eventually found my way back to steadier ground.

This was also around that time I first learned about hotwifing and cuckolding though blogs. Turns out the idea my wife enjoying those large cocks in the same way the women in the amateur porn I was watching were enjoying large cocks was very hot! I was into it! I no longer remember where I was in my own body acceptance journey at this point before finding these blogs but I do remember more excitement and enjoyment than anxiety. It is possible the obsessions I was feeling just got shifted, the anxiety I had about not being able to satisfy women with my penis size, the imagined pleasure my wife would have by having access to a large cock was no longer on my shoulders! She could get that pleasure still, and somehow that was making me feel horny and excited! The stories of each couple’s sexual journey in these very personal blogs also made it seem possible that someday we would get there. They were just normal couples exploring this extraordinary sex life together, every up and down. At the time my wife had absolutely no interest in CNM but some part of me felt if it was ever going to happen it the “one sided” hotwifing or cuckolding version was the most likely path and one I was happy to try out together. I was now fully excited exotic and novel experiences we could both enjoy in the lifestyle.

From around that point on I just kept getting happier and more comfortable with my body again. I also started regularly exercising for the first time since my youth and it was starting to show, I was continuing to deal with personal issues through therapy, and developing heather coping mechanisms for past trama. I was reconnected again. Reconnected with myself, reconnected with my wife, and we reconnecting with each other.

During this growth time of reconnection our sexual play included regular BDSM themes and cuckolding fantasy. We would talk about my wife wanting to fuck other people and how much bigger and better they would be in bed. This talk didn’t affect confidence in my own body but rather was something that just turned me on. In fact, during the early days it turned me on so much I would get a bit carried away with it, spending a lot of time online reading all about the fetish and looking at cuckold porn, then dumping all my pent up excitement for it on my wife at once. It is not that she wasn’t into the fantasy but she just wasn’t consuming it the way I was. I eventually learned to hold back, not wanting to overwhelm her, but then exploding with it again as soon as she allowed me to open the lid of my desire. So while I was feeling better with my body, I was still stuck, in a different shame cycle, of getting all hot-and-bothered about cuckolding and hotwifing online, being afraid to talk to my wife about it, then dumping it on her all at once. On more than one occasion my wife had to pump the breaks and get me to understand it was too much. Neither of us managed this time in our relationship very well, we’ve gotten much better communicating since, so it was a learning process for us both as we explored this fantasy. If you have listened to, or read any stories from real cuckolding couples, this seems to be a very common cycle. But as far as I can remember my shame I felt at the time was tied to my cuckolding desire, not the size of my penis directly, at least not on a conscious level. I wanted to watch my wife receiving higher levels of sexual fulfillment, and in my mind, that would only be possible with a huge dick. It seems as far as I can now recall the penis size anxiety had been converted into erotica. I had learned to enjoy the fear of standing high up near that particular ledge.

A Weighted Blanket For Your Dick

A few years ago, likely after a few years of fantasizing about it, I got up the nerve to tell my wife I wanted to buy a chastity device. While she didn’t know much about it she didn’t mind trying it out (she has always been really great at being game for fantasy play). The chastity device I ordered was the clear CB-6000 and it fit quite well once it arrived. We tried it out a few times with my wife holding the key, I think we even had it on for a week straight at one point. I am a very regular masturbator, so never having any release was an exiting new experience. I specifically remember one morning after having been locked up for a while, getting up to fix breakfast, having a sexy thought, then a spasm in my crotch, and a very large dollop of pre-cum ended up on the floor, just because of a single sexy thought. Sadly, the CB-6000 cage broke (thankfully while I was at home!) and while we tried a repair with super glue I never really trusted it again so we just didn’t use one for a while. But more recentlty I started to miss having one, even if just for my own play. I like how a chastity device puts me into mental state that is similar, but different, to subspace. I noticed it reduced my anxiety about penis related things as soon as I put it on. On self reflection I think it allowed me and easier time of putting down any masculine or gender performance ideals. I find a chastity device does this for me even when I am exploring my own sexuality on my own. I also recently found out though this self play that I can push the shaft of my penis inside myself all the way when soft (amazing when you can still learn new things about your own body!) Because of this, I thought why not try smaller cages next time I buy some? So, I ordered the CB-6000S, specifically because I wanted to look and feel smaller than I am! I would have tried out the CB-X Mini-Me if I could have found it in my country! And while I was able to fill out my original CB-6000 right to the end the CB-6000S also seems to fit just fine. I’ve now also ordered a few metal chastity devices that are even smaller. If I can successfully get on will make it look like I just have an acorn of a penis, or even no penis at all!

The new CB-6000S I ordered arrived just around the time I was experiencing this unexpected unsettling emotional wobble around cuckolding and my penis size. You would think feeling bad about not being hung like the bulls in cuckolding stories would mean successfully fitting myself into an even smaller chastity device would make me feel worse but interestingly at least to some degree putting it on actually made me feel better. This device which makes my penis look smaller, and is designed to make it sexually moot, made me feel a bit better about my penis and its size. When I was explaining these feelings to my wife I equated it to a anxiety reducing weighted blanket. The mere act of putting it on moved my feelings of insecurity and woe about my penis size into a place of comfort and play. I think some part of my subconscious was like, “I don’t have to worry about the size of my dick or expectations around it. It is locked up for fun play!” It changed how I related to my body almost immediately. Funny how we know how clothes can change how you feel but we don’t always relate it to something like sexual or BDSM like that!

A Little Wobble: Part 1

Note: I am going to talk a lot about penises in this series of articles, but the article isn’t really about penises. Like all body confidence issues it is about the poor body messages our society has given us since birth. These articles are about communicating the unpleasant and vulnerable feelings from a body insecurity, especially in the context of the cuckolding kink and during high anxiety times.

An Emotional Wobble

I’ve recently had something of an “emotional wobble” in relation to my body image confidence, and thus my personal sense of sexual desirability, something core to my sexuality. I call it a “wobble” because prior to this I had reached a really good place in regards to my body confidence, my personal sense of value, and sexual desirability. While I do believe this feeling is temporary one, while I was in it I wanted to be curious about the feelings rather than trying to push them aside and minimize them. In my experience you have to learn to listen to your feelings and deal with them as soon as you can, otherwise they will eventually come out in unhealthy ways. So, here I am observing myself with as much vulnerability and kindness as I can. I am also writing this because I also wanted to share this process with you all, recording my thoughts and feelings, because I have learned so much from others sharing their emotional experiences while exploring consensual non-monogamy (CNM) and I wanted to contribute to that space in my own way.

Following Jack Down The Rabbit Hole

During a recent national COVID lock-down I started getting back into reading blogs about cuckolding. Prior to this I had been very happily enjoying cuckold, hotwife, chastity, and sissy porn as well as consuming cuckolding related podcasts regularly but I was appriciating the difference and destraction of some newly found personal-blogs of couples in the cuckolding lifestyle. I really enjoy the fact that personal sexual lifestyle blogs have strong emotional aspects to them and I have enjoyed this ever since I first came across such blogs back in the height of the Blogspot days. I think emotional aspects are what gives the cuckold lifestyle depth and substance, of which you may only get the smallest sliver from even in amateur made cuckold-couple porn. So, discovering these types of blogs again was really engaging, especially the first one I started reading by Jack & Bunni. I got to experiencing all the emotional ups-and-downs of the cuckold play and lifestyle through them both. In Jack’s accounts I found a mirror of all the complex feelings that I enjoy about the cuckolding lifestyle myself. My wife also noted how engaged I was in reading Jack & Bunni’s blog. She could tell so by my occasional racing or bracing breaths while I was reading it!

Early on in starting Jack & Bunni’s blog I went looking up their Twitter profiles (see: pictures) and the first thing I noted from my initial Twitter snooping was how hot Bunni was physically, and as a cuckoldress. Totally my type, unsurprisingly considering she has a very-very similar in body to my hot wife. I also noticed, from the one picture I found of Jack that he looked to have a similar body type to me. A nice coincidence that made it quite easy in my mind to transpose their experiences to being me and my wife. I also noted that one of Bunni’s lovers, Baxter, was TOTALLY my wife’s type. My wife has a strong preference for brown and black men and Bax is black, and ripped, and hung. Now neither my wife or I are sure if she could take the cock that Bunni has, what Bax is dishing out, but she sure found it awe inspiring and alluring! All those those coincidences made reading Jack’s fantastic writing even more impactful to me. I read the whole blog ravenously but also slowly, as I would go back over paragraphs and sentences a few times, to really try to feel and understand both of Jack and Bunni’s feelings at each moment. Jack is so giving in his writing, so vulnerable, it made it easy, delicious, and intense read. I found it very difficult to stop reading it, even when I was supposed to be working! As I was reading and re-reading sections I was not only fully dialed in with my empathy for them both (especially Jack; my imagined role) but I was also, as I said, transposing me and my wife into those very situations. I was having the feelings of Jack and Bunni and with them! I think for these reasons the Spark, Fire, and Embers trilogy unexpectedly kicked me a bit off balance. The whole blog leading up to Spark had the anticipation, Fire had the intensity, and Embers had the sexual jealousy. The sexual jealousy part got suck in my head this time around, didn’t easily letting go, and it left a strong aftertaste of bad body image and feelings of unworthiness within me.

Jack did recount in the Embers how he asked his wife how she could still be into his physical body even after she realized she physically needed more than he could give. And I felt the same of my own body at that point as well, deeply. The feeling was striking against some old foundations. Bunni left Jack with some kind words that did sooth him by all accounts, but I think for me something got lost in the writing. This is by no means a slight to Jack’s writing, as I said he is a wonderful writer, and it is not a slight to Bunni’s words, they seem like they did the trick for the person they were intended for, Jack. What I do mean is that when we read other people’s accounts our minds inevitably have to fill in some gaps. My mind managed to fill in the gaps fine up until this point, but here it unfortunately filled in a gap with an insecurity of mine learned over a lifetime. And my mind would not bridge that gap to Bunni’s words, likely because the writing could not include the whole history of experience and context Jack and Bunni share as a couple. So my mind got stuck on, “Why would any woman want or be satisfied with my body when you compare it to someone like Bax?” That huge cock, I will never have myself. Mine inferior by all hotwife accounts I have heard so far.

After reading Jack & Bunni’s blog I went on to read all of Scarlett’s Cuckoldress’s blog and had those negative feelings reinforced, not by aim of Scarlett but my own state of mind. Poor feelings on behalf what she said of her husband’s penis size, reinforcing the negative feelings I was already having about my own. The message I was getting was that cuckolds are not physically desirable. My body that looks like their husbands’ bodies and that was not physically desirable, and never would be, not in that way, not in the way they like nor the I would like. That is a hard feeling to recover from and I must say one I found surprising. After all, I felt I had won my body confidence fight years ago and it was well in the past. The cuckoldresses that I thought of as hot in all their wonderful sexuality would not be attracted to me and my body, I could never be a bull even if I wanted to, my body just didn’t cut it. Not that being a bull was a path me and my wife ever considered mind you, but everyone likes to feel sexually desired I think, and the clear message I was getting was I was not. Feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness persisted. I told my wife about my insecurity and being the absolutely wonderful person she is reassured me when I needed it and it helped, but I think like many of us know, when you take in ideas of what desirable bodies are and you are not that, it can be a very difficult feeling to shake.

It is in the realm of possibility that I could get a similar physique to that of Baxterlongwood if I worked out a few more times a week and minded my diet. It would be hard work, no discounting the work Baxter has put in, but it could be a possibility for me to get there. I think for that reason I didn’t find lust after his ripped body as threatening to my ego, not in the same way as his (or any well endowed bull’s) cock. I can admire his physique, see why my wife admires it, and make a choice about if I wanted to invest more time into developing a similar-looking body. When it comes to his and my dick though, there is absolutely no choice. No matter what I do my dick will always be the size it is for my whole life. I just can’t compete if the penis size is king. And I think that is the core difference according to my emotional brain, trying to work though the societal pressures, and these cuckoldresses stated desires. The fear of believing his dick is better, fucks better, is a really difficult emotional pill to swallow. How can it not, at least sometimes, make you feel bad to know your body is not just different but openly considered worse? When it comes to penis size Baxter’s cock (like most bulls) is literally physically more-than, and that is a truth that I can not change. Of course, having a cuckold mindset means that truth can get me very excited when I’m in in the right erotic headspace, or really down if I’m not in a good mental or emotional place.

Before I continue I want to be very clear, I have no problem with cuckoldresses, or any women, being truthful about what they want, stating it, and going out and getting it. I am just trying to articulate these insecure feelings I am having, and others that may feel too, not to try emotionally control in any way how women express their desires. I would have absolutely no right to do that, nor do I want to. These emotions are in large part a result of what society has tought me is tied to my self worth, and also in part to my own wants of wanting to feel sexually desirable to others in that masculine way. As for my wife I do really want her to enjoy the wide variety of life and sexuality, and I want her to enjoy it without any worry of hurting me. If it turns out she develops a preference for a large penis size sometimes, or even all the time, I want her to have the option to experience and enjoy that fully. So, that is why in times like these when I’m experiencing a bruised ego, I want to investigate the core reasons why, then start rebuilding my foundations stronger. Feelings of hopelessness and feelings of being lesser-than even if in just that way, about your penis, your body, is not fun for anyone. So, it is good to work out the kinks before playing with the kinks. Of course my wife and I will continue to have conversations about it before we make any real steps into CNM.

Why In This World?

So, you may be wondering if reading blogs about cuckolding and chuckoldresses talking about how much they prefer huge dicks was making me feel bad why was I continuing to read them? Why was I reading the blogs, listening to the podcasts, if it was hurting me so? Well I think in part I really needed a distraction. Unfortunately, it just turned out to also be a place to funnel bad feelings I was already having at the time. I was already predisposed to darker thoughts due to another lock-down and almost two years of a global pandemic. If you are poking at, and worrying about, the ache of an old wound you are not thinking about the state of the world and your disrupted life plans. I listen to cuckold podcasts and watch cuckold porn during more regular times without the same affect because I find it both interesting and erotic. I don’t want to disparage the people expressing their desires, feelings, truth and vulnerability. I want to celebrate that. I just have to find my own path though it. The emotional part of the brain takes time to catch up to rational part and I do trust from experience it will get there eventually in time, once it realizes it is safe again. Peace in what I can’t change, and to find enjoyment and happiness in the variety and variability of the world and it’s people. Exactly what this lifestyle and CNM lifestyles seek to give.

Frisky 40s

(Note: This is an edited version of a post I made on a web forum a while back.)

So, my wife has been really coming into her own sexuality these days. I think it is due to a multitude of factors but one of them is those frisky 40s kicking in.

In any case my wife has been getting hot for everyone, it is even expanding out into a newly found queer side! It is great! Her hedonistic sexuality seems to have finally come up to meet mine and I suspect it is on the cusp of surpassing it, never to be bridled again. My 20 and 30 year old inner self wishing she was a slutty hotwife might soon be a tired-out 40 year old doing his best, trying to keep up with her desire! I’m absolutely not complaining!

So, recently, not only have we been playing with toys and engaging in the aspects of the hotwife & cuckold fantasy more and more, but we have also been talking through what it would be like to test the waters in real life. We are a real couple, so taking our own time, nothing major just small steps at first because we obviously value our relationship more than anything.

One event that has spurred things on recently is a crush! It is something she hasn’t felt in quite a while. The crush made her viscerally realize that you can want to fuck someone without having to have love feelings for them. This has got us talking in a real way about what it might be like for us to start exploring an open relationship in earnest. My wife has a bit more of a jealous predisposition than I do so experiencing and understanding the feelings she got from her crush changed her mind more than any conversations we ever had. But also because of this jealousy imbalance it might also mean that we naturally try out a form of one sided open relationship first (something like hotwifing perhaps). I have found all this talk very exciting, but I am also aware that is we go though with it that it is not the same as a fantasy. I am not scared of it happening but I also know this is real life with real world considerations we have to factor in as we go.

The parts I find exciting about all this are that all my mental fantasies of the last couple of decades seem to finally be coming to fruition! Yay!! I had come to terms with them possibility never happening, and I’m still okay if we decide it is not the path for us, but it is exciting. And the taking-it-slow part has it’s own fun. I remember in particular one morning my wife in bed turned to me and said something like, “I think it would be best if I just tried making-out with someone first.” That one sentence stuck with me the whole day and I had to take care of myself once or twice as a result. I think the reason for it was the fact that it felt more real and actually a possible living of the fantasy than anything she has ever said to me before that point. She has also recently talked to me about wanting to fuck other people, but that still feels far off and it may also never happen. Making-out with someone though, that could happen any time if she thinks the time is right.

She has checked in with me a few times about this whole thing. Earlier in the year it was about making sure I was ok with her having a crush. Later on it was after the realization we made that it was likely better if she experimented first in opening the relationship before I did. She knows I’ve fantasized about her sleeping with other men for years, but she too knows fantasies are different than reality. But it has been steady on. I haven’t felt any worries or pangs of her having a crush or wanting to sleep with others. That isn’t to say I might have feelings if it gets closer to happening but we are in a very good place these days. Lots of good communication. We also know a lot of people in open relationships so have good people to talk to as sounding boards. We are quite fortunate that way actually. More than anything it has been just generally exciting times. I’ve really enjoyed seeing my wife come into her sexuality more and more in the last couple of years. It is hot, beautiful, and I can’t wait to see where it takes us both!


Oh, I cut that last post because it was getting a bit long, but I forgot to mention that one night recently she used her crush as part of our sex play. She got her self worked up with a fantasy and toys before hand. Called me into our room then had me use my fingers on her very wet and worked up pussy. She is normally likes just outer play but this time she was all about getting things into her pussy.

She kept talking about her crush and what she wanted to do with him as she played with her big breasts, and I fingered her. She also got one of her clit toys involved as well! After a while of that she wanted my cock. I went in easily due to her toy play before hand and how wet she was. Prior to this she has been finding doggy-style a bit too intense but this time she felt worked up enough and she had planned on getting on her hands-and-knees after I had got in and warmed up myself. Turns out though, all the sexy talk about her pussy being stretched out and wet by her crush had got me so horny I came pretty quickly (seems like a theme doesn’t it?).

We ended it there both fully satisfied and had a bit of a laugh about how quickly the fantasy had made me cum. Next time we will try doggy because it is my favorite! Now that I know that was the plan I’ll try to keep myself paced a bit better!

Beginnings

(Note: This is an edited version of a post I made on a web forum a while back.)

I can no longer remember exactly when I started to get turned on by the idea of my wife fucking other men. I don’t even remember if I found the concept online first or if I just thought up the fantasy then started searching it out online. Either way it has been a staple fantasy of mine for quite some time. At some point soon after starting to fantasize about it I did talk to my wife about the fantasy and while she wasn’t interested in pursuing it in real life she did start to entertain the fantasy in the bedroom pretty quickly. We have never gone beyond that stage but we have played around the edges for some time with forays into teasing, dirty talk, and chastity.

In writing this introduction I did look back into my email and the furthest reference I could find to hotwifing or cuckolding was way back in 2007. Interestingly, this was also just before we got married! I’m sure I was into the fantasy a little while before that but that is as far back as the evidence I have of it. Speaking of getting married, I also remember telling my wife about a dream I had the night before the day of our wedding, all about her being fucked by I think a couple of black men (a noted preference of hers).

There were a couple other earlier memories I have of me and my wife teasing each other a bit with hotwifing and cuckolding fantasies both during trips away together as well as when she went off alone. One time when my wife went away on a shopping trip to another country I sent her links to people she could “meet up” with while away. As she was away with her friends I knew it was very unlikely and it was just probably going to be a bit of fantasy talk but I do still remember the slightest potential being exciting to think about.

Another time after that was when we went took a holiday to a tropical island. I noticed this guy at the airport that I new my wife would think it was hot and I pointed him out to her and I was very right. We spent the rest of the day teasing each other about the fantasy of her getting with him and when we finally got back to the house we were staying at I was in a quite a state! I think it was likely the first proper time I can remember of her also leaning into the teasing aspect of cuckolding. Talking about all the enjoyment she would get from this guy that I “couldn’t give her”. We tore off our clothes and rushed to bed soon as we got though the door to fuck, and I came in about 3 strokes! She also gave me a good bit of teasing about that afterwards much to my added enjoyment.

There are many other memories about this in our relationship but I’ll leave at those for now.

In terms of my exploration of this fantasy, blogs written by actual hotwife and cuckold couples also drove my fantasies early on. When I was first getting into this fantasy I found a bunch on Blogspot (remember Blogspot?) blogs which I thought were just amazing because it let me read real life accounts of hotwifing and cuckolding from couples at different stages of their journey. Not only was it nice to understand how real couples navigated these fantasies as they moved into actually trying out the lifestyle, I also found it very erotic. I find I get an extra kick about thinking of “normal everyday people” that you see out in the world day-to-day having extraordinary sex lives that are outside of what we are taught to think of as socially proper or normal. I think reading these blogs early on really helped me anchor some of my expectations of hotwifing and cuckolding in a way that pro-porn, or even amateur-porn can’t quite capture, the relationship aspect. That is not to say I didn’t get caught up and in a horny tizzy sometimes to the annoyance of my wife but it did help ground it somewhat when we talked about it in earnest.

For a long while I used to worry that hotwifing and cuckolding was just my fantasy but over the years my wife has really got onboard and asserted that it is very much her fantasy too. We don’t know what the future holds but we both wanted to start expanding our experience in the lifestyle by starting to share here, so I’m sure you will hear more about us over time. Cheers!

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